July 3rd, 2025

In a move described as an "embarrassing oversight" by leading right-wing commentators, the Republican-majority 118th United States Congress unanimously voted to legalize gender-affirming care for children and youth across all 52 states, and yesterday evening President Trump signed this bill into law. The reason? The "Protect Innocent Children from Kinky Medical Yuppies' Nefarious, Overtly Sexual Experimentation Act" (PICKMYNOSE Act) had been modified to include the following definition of "year":

A "year" for the purposes of this Act is hereby defined as the orbital period of the first planet from the Sun.

The first planet from the Sun is Mercury, whose orbital period lasts only 88 Earth days. Due to this oversight, the PICKMYNOSE Act, which sets 25 as the Federal age of access to medical transition, in practice has allowed any American as young as 6 years old to medically transition in an age-appropriate way. Neither the President nor any member of Congress noticed this issue of wording until the bill had already become the law of the land.

"Well, I just didn't think anything of [that definition]!", Republican senator Ray Szyzm said in an interview earlier this morning, "I mean, we're always number one, so I just figured that Earth was the first planet from the Sun, right? How the heck was I supposed to know that it was actually Mercury that was first from the sun? That's for the boys down in NASA to know!"

This interview quickly went viral on Mastodon, with one meme reading, "the virgin 'it's basic biology' versus the chad 'it's basic astronomy'". The "Solar System Song" from the 1990s cartoon Animaniacs has also become an overnight trend on Loops.

Republican senator Karen Furdritch said on the situation, "I didn't really get why the bill had to define what a year was — and honestly, I don't even really believe in planets to begin with, personally — but you know, I just figured that there was some reason that they had to do all that definition stuff, so I just kind of went along with it, y'know? I mean, if people really believe in this whole 'heliocentrism' conspiracy, then that's on them: as long as those crossdressers don't get to go into my bathrooms, then, you know, you can believe whatever you want. That's what I think."

The likes of Karen Furdritch and Ray Szyzm, however, are rare among the congresspeople who voted on the bill. It is reported that most congresspeople slept through the majority of the legislative process, and simply voted based on the bill's title alone. This includes most Democratic congresspeople, as the party disavowed support for transgender rights during the 2024 election in an attempt to broaden its voter base. It was the lone third-party House Representative, Ed Hill of the Trans Rights Action Party, who was responsible for the addition of the contentious definition. The official transcript shows that Ed Hill suggested the definition during the PICKMYNOSE Act's mark-up session, and was met with complete apathy from other committee members. When asked why he suggested the definition, Ed Hill simply replied, "We do a little trolling."

Transgender and youth activists across the United States have cheered the PICKMYNOSE Act's federal protection of gender-affirming care for minors, in a time of increasing attacks against the LGBT community. Many state governments, however, are now proposing legislation to officially designate various planets of the solar system as dwarf planets, in order to circumvent the new law. The most extreme of these proposals is now making its way through the Jefferson Legislature: the "Teach Accurate Astronomy Act" if passed would officially designate all eight planets as dwarf planets, and Pluto as a planet, in Jefferson state law. This would set the minimum age to medically transition as 6,200 Earth years.