I thought I'd be putting him down Tuesday but he declined so much since I made the appointment that I found a new vet and did it today instead. It was extremely difficult to make a last minute appointment for a home call euthanasia right before a long weekend but one vet was willing to come when I called her while crying and told her that he was completely immobile and peeing on himself. She said she usually doesn't do home calls for new patients but this was a special circumstance. She was very kind and I am very grateful for her letting my boy be in a safe place for his final moments.
My home feels so empty. I keep thinking that I'll walk into my bedroom and he'll be laying on his little warm pad where he always laid, ready for a hug. But he's not there.
I held him in my lap when she gave him the shot. When he passed I couldn't move because the feeling of holding his limp body was so horrible. I'm so alone now. My girlfriend is so far away. There's no one for me to hold, because usually in a moment like this I'd be holding him. He was my oldest childhood friend. All these thoughts I'm writing just keep rolling through my head and I keep saying them to myself. All I can think about is my sweet boy. I have so much work to do this weekend but I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I need to bring him to a crematorium tomorrow, so he's just laying in the coldest room in my home right now.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, as others have said make sure you don’t feel guilty for even one second, you did the best thing you could do and the fact that they even held on that long means they really loved you. I’m gonna repost what I wrote in your other thread.
You will never know how much it means to them that you have been someone they can count on during their brief stay in this chaotic and confusing world we all live in.
The same can be said for your decisions to be there for them in their final moments and to have those moments be in their home.
It’s going to hurt a lot, but that’s because you have a heart. You’re stronger for that, even when you feel like a blubbering mess. I’m not saying you’re stronger for the adversity, I’m saying you’re strong enough to care. It takes heart to care that much for these sweet little creatures that are simultaneously real and irreplaceable members of the family and also completely replaceable and not unique.
What I’m saying is that plenty of people would rather isolate or kill that part of themselves that cares so profoundly for the sweet little critters of the world. They mistake that for weakness because it can absolutely feel that way in the moment, but it is the opposite. Some people are unlucky enough to never develop that profound capacity to truly love something other than yourself.
“ At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality.“ -Che
Don’t run from it, don’t be afraid. You’re doing the right thing, which almost always sucks. Kitty loves you so much and will be very grateful you were there right up to the end. And the end is never really the end. Nothing is ever truly created or destroyed. Every single particle of every whisker and claw will be recycled into something new.
And you’ll always have the memories of the love you shared. And you will come out the other side. Every peak eventually declines and every valley has a bottom. You will feel better again and that’s what kitty would want for you.
And hey hopefully someday you feel up to being another kitties forever home. That’s a question for another day. For now just remember remember that hurting like this is an inseparable part of loving so much. You cannot escape one without surrendering the other.
Lord knows a lot of cats need homes and the biosphere appreciates every one of the little maniacs that we can contain in our homes. Not to say there’s anything wrong with taking care of outdoor kitties too.
You are an awesome person for caring so much. Let yourself grieve and trust that you will come out the other side. Your kitty was very lucky to have found you and hopefully someday maybe another kitty will be too.