I thought I'd be putting him down Tuesday but he declined so much since I made the appointment that I found a new vet and did it today instead. It was extremely difficult to make a last minute appointment for a home call euthanasia right before a long weekend but one vet was willing to come when I called her while crying and told her that he was completely immobile and peeing on himself. She said she usually doesn't do home calls for new patients but this was a special circumstance. She was very kind and I am very grateful for her letting my boy be in a safe place for his final moments.
My home feels so empty. I keep thinking that I'll walk into my bedroom and he'll be laying on his little warm pad where he always laid, ready for a hug. But he's not there.
I held him in my lap when she gave him the shot. When he passed I couldn't move because the feeling of holding his limp body was so horrible. I'm so alone now. My girlfriend is so far away. There's no one for me to hold, because usually in a moment like this I'd be holding him. He was my oldest childhood friend. All these thoughts I'm writing just keep rolling through my head and I keep saying them to myself. All I can think about is my sweet boy. I have so much work to do this weekend but I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I need to bring him to a crematorium tomorrow, so he's just laying in the coldest room in my home right now.
I'm so sorry. You made the right decision putting him down early and I'm sure he thanked you for it. <3
:meow-hug: it's the hardest thing in the world. The only comfort is the pain fades in time and only the good memories are left.
Remember the good. They'll always be there. Please don't feel guilty.
I know that's the hardest decision ever and it feels like shit, but it's better than having them suffer more for selfish reasons. Take some time off if you can.
Mourning is normal. It is healthy. You did the best you could and provided a great life for your friend.
Give it some time, and when you are ready you can open yourself up to a new friend and make new memories.
I'm so sorry for you and your boy. It's always so sad how soon we have to let cats go.
As someone who has lost a number of beloved pets over the years -- he is dead but not gone. You will remember him and in that way, he will always live on. It will be in stupid, gut-wrenching, ways at times - like passing their favorite brand of treats in the store or finding a toy of theirs, hidden away in some part of your house, but eventually it will hurt less and serve more of a reminder of the time you spent together.
I'm so sorry for your loss comrade.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, as others have said make sure you don’t feel guilty for even one second, you did the best thing you could do and the fact that they even held on that long means they really loved you. I’m gonna repost what I wrote in your other thread.
You will never know how much it means to them that you have been someone they can count on during their brief stay in this chaotic and confusing world we all live in.
The same can be said for your decisions to be there for them in their final moments and to have those moments be in their home.
It’s going to hurt a lot, but that’s because you have a heart. You’re stronger for that, even when you feel like a blubbering mess. I’m not saying you’re stronger for the adversity, I’m saying you’re strong enough to care. It takes heart to care that much for these sweet little creatures that are simultaneously real and irreplaceable members of the family and also completely replaceable and not unique.
What I’m saying is that plenty of people would rather isolate or kill that part of themselves that cares so profoundly for the sweet little critters of the world. They mistake that for weakness because it can absolutely feel that way in the moment, but it is the opposite. Some people are unlucky enough to never develop that profound capacity to truly love something other than yourself.
“ At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality.“ -Che
Don’t run from it, don’t be afraid. You’re doing the right thing, which almost always sucks. Kitty loves you so much and will be very grateful you were there right up to the end. And the end is never really the end. Nothing is ever truly created or destroyed. Every single particle of every whisker and claw will be recycled into something new.
And you’ll always have the memories of the love you shared. And you will come out the other side. Every peak eventually declines and every valley has a bottom. You will feel better again and that’s what kitty would want for you.
And hey hopefully someday you feel up to being another kitties forever home. That’s a question for another day. For now just remember remember that hurting like this is an inseparable part of loving so much. You cannot escape one without surrendering the other.
Lord knows a lot of cats need homes and the biosphere appreciates every one of the little maniacs that we can contain in our homes. Not to say there’s anything wrong with taking care of outdoor kitties too.
You are an awesome person for caring so much. Let yourself grieve and trust that you will come out the other side. Your kitty was very lucky to have found you and hopefully someday maybe another kitty will be too.
I'm so sorry. It's fucking hard, and the pain cuts so deep and so instantaneous. But the pain will subside and it will make room for the happy memories to come back in time. Just know he's not suffering, and what you did is a service to him.
Take it easy on yourself, there's nothing to be angry at yourself for. Take as much time as you can.
I'm so sorry, and relieved you were able to get an appointment and say goodbye properly.
:meow-hug:
I know this isn't much, but you're not alone. When my little guy was euthanized I held his head in my hand and watched him go. I've cared for him so long and he was my brother. I felt guilty and empty even though it was beyond my control. Its okay to feel what you're feeling. I'd say keeping your hands busy would help keep your mind occupied, but was partially true for me. You see the worst part of that entire day for me was not only did I let one of my precious family go, but immediately after I was forced to go to work where I'm either surrounded or operating very dangerous things that could hurt myself or others. I could focus enough to make sure the day went by without any accidents, but every moment where I wasn't working I immediately broke down and started crying.
So, I know this really isn't much, but you're not alone. Don't be afraid of letting the memories of him was over you, don't be afraid of crying your heart out until you're dehydrated, just remember to take care of yourself in the moments between.
This fucking sucks comrade. I grew up with two amazing cats who both died around 2012ish, one of them would always make her way into my room and lie down on my chest as I was going to bed and I know the emptiness of knowing that that's not going to happen anymore. I also know looking at my three year old dog whose asleep on the floor next to me that that those feelings pass, and that the joys of years of life with an animal is completely worth the pain of having to let them go.
I know you'll find your peace and strength and love again, all in time. :meow-hug:
