I always feel like someone, anyone is going to hurt me. I don’t ever let myself feel comfortable like I’m always on edge or something ready to defend myself.
An early and important step of trust is trusting your own defense mechanisms. Don't give them free reign, but accept and even appreciate that they existed to protect you during bad times, and that the anxiety you feel is those systems trying their best to continue protecting you even when they aren't as needed.
Its an interesting thought but I feel like my defense mechanisms are so extreme they hurt me.
You did mention you don't trust any of your therapists. I mean it's theoretically possible that they are all bad therapists, but I think it's more likely that your defenses are a bit too indiscriminate.
but I can’t default to anything else.
It's possible to gradually grow a new default with conscious active practice. "Today, I'm going to trust someone in a measured reasonable way and see what happens" can be habit forming.
I’ll give it a go, but i always get hurt. I’m just a person people enjoy hurting.
It's understandable, it really is. It won't become a habit without voluntary repetition and it is possible that the person you decide to trust in a measured way hurts you anyway. A part of trust is vulnerability, after all. And that is risky.
I don’t even feel anything anymore I’m not sure im even human, Can I even go back to feeling?
I replied to this hours ago but :hexbear-retro: kept going Hi There!
I'll hope this reply gets through. Feeling numb after a lot of emotional hurt and a lack of trusting connections is very human. Feeling can return, but it may feel raw at first, almost like something frozen thawing out.
Healing takes time and can only start when conditions change, or are changed.
An early and important step of trust is trusting your own defense mechanisms. Don't give them free reign, but accept and even appreciate that they existed to protect you during bad times, and that the anxiety you feel is those systems trying their best to continue protecting you even when they aren't as needed.
deleted by creator
You did mention you don't trust any of your therapists. I mean it's theoretically possible that they are all bad therapists, but I think it's more likely that your defenses are a bit too indiscriminate.
It's possible to gradually grow a new default with conscious active practice. "Today, I'm going to trust someone in a measured reasonable way and see what happens" can be habit forming.
deleted by creator
It's understandable, it really is. It won't become a habit without voluntary repetition and it is possible that the person you decide to trust in a measured way hurts you anyway. A part of trust is vulnerability, after all. And that is risky.
deleted by creator
I replied to this hours ago but :hexbear-retro: kept going Hi There!
I'll hope this reply gets through. Feeling numb after a lot of emotional hurt and a lack of trusting connections is very human. Feeling can return, but it may feel raw at first, almost like something frozen thawing out.
Healing takes time and can only start when conditions change, or are changed.