You know that cliche about loving yourself before you can accept love from others? Unfortunately, it's true. The good news is that this process doesn't have to involve repeating mantras in the mirror while collecting crystals or whatever.
According to the Internal Family Systems model, we each have various subroutines that we pull from for various scenarios. When you have a strong sense of self, these subroutines feed you valuable information. They tell you when you're anxious or overwhelmed or depressed and they give you suggested responses. When you don't have a strong sense of self, however, these subroutines can essentially run the show. The voice telling you "hey, it's weird that you don't have more friends," for example, can become the dominant voice.
What works for me is to actually respond to these voices like they're separate people existing within me. When my "manager" voice starts to get on my case for not getting enough work done, I verbally remind it that I am perfectly okay being an inadequate employee. When my "fireman" voice tells me to start panicking because my emotions are too overwhelming, I give it a gentle reminder that it's okay to feel a little overwhelmed and that there are healthier ways to escape. At the same time, sometimes these voices are right - sometimes I need to get shit done to keep my job and sometimes I just need to escape my feelings to deal with them. As you start to figure out what you actually want to do versus what those subroutines are telling you to do, you can decide when their advice is worth following. Trust yourself that what you want in life is good and tell those subroutines "thanks, but I've got this."
This part is all about practice because you will feel super silly talking to your voices like this, but idk, I've been in therapy for well over half my life and this is the first time I'm making progress. If this sounds interesting to you, look into a trauma-informed therapist with a focus on the IFS model. A good therapist will help you explore how these subroutines developed and begin to see the contradictions within them.
You know that cliche about loving yourself before you can accept love from others? Unfortunately, it's true. The good news is that this process doesn't have to involve repeating mantras in the mirror while collecting crystals or whatever.
According to the Internal Family Systems model, we each have various subroutines that we pull from for various scenarios. When you have a strong sense of self, these subroutines feed you valuable information. They tell you when you're anxious or overwhelmed or depressed and they give you suggested responses. When you don't have a strong sense of self, however, these subroutines can essentially run the show. The voice telling you "hey, it's weird that you don't have more friends," for example, can become the dominant voice.
What works for me is to actually respond to these voices like they're separate people existing within me. When my "manager" voice starts to get on my case for not getting enough work done, I verbally remind it that I am perfectly okay being an inadequate employee. When my "fireman" voice tells me to start panicking because my emotions are too overwhelming, I give it a gentle reminder that it's okay to feel a little overwhelmed and that there are healthier ways to escape. At the same time, sometimes these voices are right - sometimes I need to get shit done to keep my job and sometimes I just need to escape my feelings to deal with them. As you start to figure out what you actually want to do versus what those subroutines are telling you to do, you can decide when their advice is worth following. Trust yourself that what you want in life is good and tell those subroutines "thanks, but I've got this."
This part is all about practice because you will feel super silly talking to your voices like this, but idk, I've been in therapy for well over half my life and this is the first time I'm making progress. If this sounds interesting to you, look into a trauma-informed therapist with a focus on the IFS model. A good therapist will help you explore how these subroutines developed and begin to see the contradictions within them.