I've had problems with socializing since I was a child since I have ADHD, which gave me bad social anxiety causing me to be withdrawn and largely quiet and still around normies (masking is automatic now and I can't turn it off anymore), and also I have severe depression which makes me so inwardly focused it annihilates my capacity for empathy. I can't make friends easily and I don't know how to network and I feel fucking trapped in bottom-rung anything and I sometimes feel like I have no real connections with any other human beings at all, even my own family, even the ones I live with.

I'm really struggling with my self-worth right now and the finances are at the heart of it. Not just feeling bad about myself from being poor; having to budget money is stressful for me, and I'm having to compromise on food quality at this point when I do have the energy and organizational capacity to actually make it to the grocery store, assuming I have money to spend. I can't do the things I want to do, like buy clothes or have more than one pair of shoes at a time or pay back my brother the money he loaned me to fix my brakes, or start up boxing lessons or go out and meet more people or do fucking anything and payday is just so fucking depressing because I see my money disappear almost immediately.

And I don't feel like there's any way out. I am not fucking good at making money. I don't think I ever will be.

The worst part is I HAVE made friends at my job, and we go out to karaoke and bar trivia and shit, and afterwards I'll just feel worse about myself because it's like prodding at a wound instead of letting it lie and being numb. I'm crushingly lonely and want deeper connections, and just getting surface level shit is so much more painful than isolation.