She wanted me to make this post, because she is not sure if she is just "weird" or if she can get diagnosed with ADHD and/or autism and make her life a bit easier. The symptoms that bother her the most are the following:

  • Sometimes walks away from uninteresting conversations without realizing (with familiar people) with strangers, feels like being held hostage.

  • Intense focus to the point of forgetting to eat, drink water and neglecting to go to the toilet.

  • Periods of low mood and anhedonia vs periods of intense obsession(?) and excitement with some activity (specific game or game genre, desktop customization).

  • Diagnosed with dysthymia and BPD traits (due to self-harm).

  • Suicidal thoughts since 14 yo but never made an attempt.

  • Low self esteem.

  • Persistent interests for many years in which she has made great contributions.

  • Does not like to go out much and feels dirty after going out.

  • Very annoyed by insects, afraid of bees and wasps.

  • She is a perfectionist.

  • In kindergarten, she would not go out for recess if she was still in the middle of doing something (finishing a drawing).

  • When learning how to do something, she liked repeating the process e.g. making boxes out of paper, drawing the same image.

  • Always sits with her knees close to her chest.

  • Occasionally rocks back and forth or from side to side sometimes repeats certain sounds / jingles / song melodies.

  • She thinks in images instead of words, except when having depression-related thoughts (e.g. "I am useless"), or positive thoughts ("I can do this") or when daydreaming scenes with dialogue.

  • Because of this, speaking is hard for her as she has to translate the images to words.

  • Performs great at work but gets burned out quickly.

  • Is bad at socializing, and has cut contact with her old friends and does not want to go back to having friends

  • Zones out of conversations.

  • RedWizard [he/him, comrade/them]
    ·
    5 months ago

    When it comes to idle chit chat, an autistic person tends to find it perplexing and pointless, and they'll struggle with reciprocating and knowing what is deemed appropriate to talk about and what isn't. An ADHDer tends to find it either frustrating (because they're trying to focus on something else, they are struggling to focus on the boring vapid nonsense, or because they feel impatient and they want to talk about something interesting or they are struggling to wait until the other person has finished their sentence before jumping in) or they really enjoy having someone new to engage with.

    This is my experience for sure. In the moments when I'm having a very hard time with it (usually right after work) I have to close my eyes and cross my arms to really focus on a conversation. Too many times, I've been trying to listen to my SO tell me about her day, and even though I really do want to hear about it, I can feel the invisible hand turning my thoughts and attention away. Medication helps with that a lot. That sense of "newness" is also very real. Talking to new people for me can be a little daunting, but once I find some kind of common ground or interest, it's really difficult to shut me up. I've always been told I'm very personable, and I can be very extroverted in the right settings, but there is this kind of ADHD ennui that sets in when things become too familiar, which really sucks. My life has been defined by my "obsessions", those transient hobbies or projects that ADHD tends to latch onto, and when I encounter people who are not like that, who have nothing they are currently OBSESSED with, I can feel my brain just click off. Just as much as I absolutely CRAVE info-dumping on someone or someone to have an enthusiastic back and forth with, I also desire to be the target of that kind of enthusiasm. I can be incredibly energized by other people's unbridled enthusiasm for something, and their willingness to bless me with that torrent of enthusiasm. I know from experience, though, that most neurotypical people do not feel being that target is a blessing. When I'm talking to someone I'm really comfortable with, those tendencies, to interrupt or monolog, grow stronger, probably because I assume I can just let the spring loose and not be judged for it.

    It's worth noting that ADHDers definitely engage in masking.

    This is a realization that I'm only having as a result of this conversation. I picked up "Unmasking Autism" and read the Introduction and a good portion of the first chapter. Some things described in the book resonated with me (samefoods for example), while others didn't (not understanding social queues or norms). Even in what I've read so far, it's really opened my eyes to just how much work I do to "pass", and how much of myself I really do suppress for the sake of others.

    It's a bit different because an ADHDer doesn't face the same difficulties with communication so usually ADHD masking is about trying to mellow out the inattentiveness or the impulsiveness, trying to stay on track, trying not to interrupt, trying to be observant of what's being communicated etc.

    This aligns totally with my day-to-day experience.

    whereas an autistic person masking is trying to consciously read and interpret all of these little signs and indicators to make sense of them while trying to give the right ones to the other person, so it's more like playing a card game that you have only just learned the rules of where you're constantly trying to remember them all while making the right play as the game unfolds.

    This does not. Which I think makes sense.

    I do think I have a pretty intense case of ADHD, though. Without medication, it takes only a matter of a week or so before I start to come apart at the seams. I had a lap in medication recently, and it was only like 10 days, but by the 10th day I was a totally irritable mess. I'm also realizing as a result of this conversation that I don't have a lot of other neurodivergent people around me that I can actively talk about these things with, or at least, not ones who think about these experiences like this. So I definitely appreciate your willingness to engage with me here, it's very helpful!