I'm sorry, man. I don't have any good advice for you but I hope you find the support and friends you need, comrade. My first serious girlfriend in high school was abusive in different ways, fucked me up for a while especially since I was so young. But everyone believed me though because she didn't have enough shame to hide her behavior from anyone. Anyway, it's not your fault but it isn't the fault of women generally either. It's easier said than done, but I hope you can prevent yourself from falling into that darkness of misogyny.