I came to the realization yesterday that the feeling of perceiving myself from the outside I get while high is literally just me unmasking and realizing my “true self” which I have avoided my entire life. And it’s quite miserable
So keep masking if you can 👍
I’m not sure if you want to, but here goes
When I have been uncomfortable around people, I have made the decision to live my life on autopilot. That usually consisted of saying nothing instead of what I wanted to say because I was afraid of how others would view me, presumably because it hurt me in the past. This thought process is “heightened” when I get high most likely because I usually get high alone. Stoners usually call that depersonalization, and I would argue that everyone masks a little bit regardless of whether they’re ND.
Real world example- I’m employed, so it’s kinda hard to say nothing when you work with other people (communication and all that). I’ve slowly noticed myself doing things I never would have done before realizing my suspected neurodiversity. Saying things that sound “weird” or interacting in a certain way not because I want to, but because I have to. And from all I can gather, those behaviors are parts of my unmasked self.
Don’t know if this was a bunch of complete word salad or not, but this is how I see it all at the moment.
Another thing I don’t like about myself is I use so many words to describe very simple ideas.
This is a big part of the study of anthropology. Every person is assigned roles by their culture and a big part of human culture is learning to perform those roles in the way your culture expects you to. Roles like parent, lawyer, soldier, politician, actor, customer, sales rep, cop, teacher, they all have a set of behaviors and signifiers associated with them. Things like what clothes they wear, how they style their hair and makeup, how they speak, how they behave towards other people, how other people are supposed to behave towards them.
For the most part this doesn't have anything to do with the actual individual. The roles are imposed on people by the people around them based on stereotypes, norms, and expectations. A given person may or may not conform to these standards. People who fail to conform or transgress against cultural norms may be punished or rewarded - a woman who fails to perform feminity may be ostracized, a father who exceeds the bare expectations put on fathers may be praised - depending on what the role is and what context it's occuring in.
This has positive and negative results. If you see someone wearing scrubs in a medical setting they're probably a nurse or doctor. If you see someone wearing a uniform and carrying a gun for no clear reason they're probably a cop. Someone in a shop wearing the same colors as the shop's logo, or wearing a branded polo shirt, is probably an employee there.
This all encodes information you can use - a nurse probably knows emergency proceedures if someone is in medical distress. A cop is probably dangerous and should be avoided. A shop worker probably knows where inventory is located and can check you out at the registed.
But there are many negative aspects. Most people are extremely sensitive to subtle cues like accent, the choice of clothing, hair and makeup styles, demeanor, word choice, and so forth. For example there are a lot of shibboleths that are strongly associated with certain regions - "y'all" "yinz", many names for specific food items, animals, common objects. The contraction "y'all" for "you all" or "all of you" is associated with the South. It is likely that when a person here's someone use "y'all" they will connect the speaker with whatever beliefs they have about people from the south - they're racist, they're less intelligent, they're hospitable, they're down to business. This isn't based on anything about the specific individual, rather it's based on cultural norms and stereotypes. You are from this place, so I expect you to do and believe what I think people from this place should do and believe.
What all this adds up to is that for the most part all people are performing a set of roles whenever they're interacting with other people. They'll adjust their dress, their demeanor, their body language, their word choice, and many other obvious and subtle things to try to portray, or subvert, the role they believe is expected of them.
I think a large part of the reason that autistic people are treated poorly by society is that many autistic people either recognize that this is all performance, or don't recognize the importance of contextual performance. Generally speaking society reacts strongly to people who transgress against cultural norms and that reaction is often negative. An employee who argues with a boss or doesn't use defferential language will be perceived as insubordinate, combatitive, disrespectful, and so on. It often won't matter if the employee is correct. Some coworkers may sympathize, but many people, especially bosses and managers, will harshly judge the employee whether they're right or not for challenging the bosses authority. The challenge, valid or invalid, undermines the bosses role as a person who is expected to be knowledgable and correct at all times. The boss is supposed to give orders, the employee is supposed to follow them. If this hierarchy is upset the boss likely worries that other employees in the future will challenge them instead of meekly obeying orders.
If you care about getting things done correctly more than trying to perform arcane social pageantry this probably sounds pretty ridiculous. People want to tell their boss to fuck off and let them do their work. But the social and economic consequences of doing so can be severe, so most people hold their tongue and do as they're told.
The take away from this is that most people are actors playing a role, or wearing a mask, almost all the time. Many people's personalities and perception of themselves is intimately tied to the roles that others expect them to perform. Other people chafe and seethe against the restrictions and expectations placed on them by their culture. But most people, most of the time, are actors to a greater or lesser extent.
One of the most concrete and widely recognizeable examples of this I can think of is the stereotype of a person coming home and immediately taking off their bra, heaving a big sigh of relief, and putting on a more comfortable top. For many people wearing a bra may be uncomfortable or otherwise undesirable, but failing to do so is laden with cultural baggage; people viewing you may assume you are unprofessional, they may sexualize nipples visible under the shirt, and they may make other assumptions or associations. As a result many people with breasts will wear bras when out in public, discarding them immediately as soon as they're in private and no longer subject to the observation and judgement of others.
Wow this is all super interesting. Do you have any recommendations for any anthropological writings/books that talk more about this?
Realizing this at work, second job I’ve ever had and I’m pretty sure boss doesn’t like me because I disobeyed his authority 2 months in
A large part of why this is though, is because it kind of genuinely is not possible for people to actually treat each other as individuals on a moment to moment basis once you've gotten to a particular density of human interaction.
We are still running off of 100,000-year-old hardware, & we have a pretty limited maximum number of people that we can keep track of at any given time. It's a big part of the romanticization of the idea of "Small Town Life".