I am a lazy failure who can't do anything. Basic shit I consistently just... don't do. Its embarrassing. I don't even want to list all of it. I have hobby stuff I've wanted to for years that I've just never gotten set up. Homework? More like I'm not fucking doing that. I've been wanting to take steps for months to get myself on hormones and get clothes but have I done them? No? Of course not, because I'm fucking lazy. All I do is rot. Its been this way for a long time, I can't even remember when the last time I didn't struggle with this. And it doesn't feel like its getting better. If it really is my autism I'm not sure how it ever can get better.
What I hear is procrastination combined with self-shaming, and comrade, the first is fine and the latter is only okay in small doses, you deserve better than a heaping spoonful.
Procrastination isn't even a bad thing unless it is impacting you negatively, like there is something you really do need to get done and something is a roadblock. Even then, don't forget to have perspective: is the thing getting done more of an external imposition or something you do want to do? Most things are the former IMO and it isn't your fault to not want to do them right away. In addition, it is totally fine to push things off when overwhelmed so long as they don't put you in a much worse position. So... forgive yourself, comrade, and then divvy up your to-dos into a real priority list and how you will ensure you take care of yourself by doing the stuff that really needs doing vs. the stuff you might be 100% needlessly feeling bad about. And then forgive yourself again because it isn't easy to work through these patterns of thought and you won't be perfect at this next attempt either. And that's okay because you'll be getting better at taking care of yourself!
Re: self-shaming, please always remind yourself that this is only something in your head and it is only useful in small, friendly doses. Like, "oh I said I would read that next chapter before my next meeting, I had better do that so I don't waste my time there". By the time it is at the "I suck" level it really just isn't accurate or good for you. I would also say that a lot of this is probably not a conscious decision despite how I am talking about it, so also give yourself a break there. Some things are learned patterns from our lives (e.g. someone making us feel inadequate), sometimes our brains impose this stuff on us, sometimes it is something beaten into us by bad experiences, etc. It can take real work to counter these thought patterns even if sometimes we know they are not accurate. Please feel welcome to vent here and don't sleep on talking to a pro IRL if that is available to you. It really can help a lot.
I think there's a disconnect here.
Imagine not having anything important to do, having a complex and interesting hobby you'll really enjoy doing scheduled, and then not doing it and doom scrolling all day because of the work required in setup vs lying in bed.
This isn't a problem you can solve with positive thinking and some project management software.
It really depends on what the underlying psychology and environment is like.
Organization and reminders will help in some instances because sometimes all it takes is retraining your brain to think A instead of B when you use a space or do a particular activity. Or to make something less overwhelming by breaking it down into pieces. Something along the lines of CBT.
But this can also be totally inadequate if something like depression or ADHD or something else like this is a contributing factor.
normalize procrastinating taxes
collectively procrastinate taxes until the government goes bankrupt
btw I was just kidding don't actually do this
It really is effecting me negatively, unfortunately. There's a lot of both, things that need to get done vs things I want to do but just... haven't. Maybe making a list will help me. Its a little overwhelming.
Thank you, I will try. The self shaming runs very deep for me, but I will try.
If you don't mind me asking, do any of these statements resonate with you? It's also okay to not answer or to go to PMs.
Just plain forgetting to do things.
A feeling of anxiety that builds up with this backlog and, ironically, prevents you from doing them, leading to a spiral.
Not really enjoying these things you used to enjoy.
Not really enjoying anything.
Difficulty getting out of bed for hours at a time.
While it can be difficult to get started, once you start a task that can be completed in one go, you will complete it in one go.
Yes, I forget often. My parents would never believe me as a child but it's always been pretty bad imo.
Yes, absolutely
This one depends. I definitely spiral pretty badly sometimes and don't enjoy anything, but overall I do still enjoy stuff, when I'm feeling good. I've dealt with depression and I don't think that's it, when I was depressed it was all the time.
This is a little harder to say, sometimes I'll force myself to start but I'll very quickly abandon it (like, usually within 2 minutes and it's basically in the same state it was before). But if I'm actually doing it I think so?
I would say that talking to a pro isn't a bad idea! They can help pinpoint potential causes and come up with interventions with you.
There are constellations of things that sometimes come together and in forms that aren't always intuitive, including ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I 100% cannot provide any kind of diagnosis (talking to a pro is so much better!) but some of your answers overlap with some of those things. Like you mention, depression sometimes comes as a significant episode where you feel very down, where it is acute. But it can also feel like a lack of motivation and really just not wanting to do anything in response to anxiety. Re: enjoying things, I was asking to get a sense if anhedonia, which can also be intermittent. Brains can be very troublesome.
Also, I don't want to overmedicalize this, as these things all depend on context. There may be no diagnosis and these are just responses to an environment that will decrease with a change in environment, for example. I just want to suggest a pro because they can help with knowing the difference.