Three weeks ago my partner broke up with me and I’ve been taking it pretty hard. Before the break up I was showering daily and had a regular schedule, I’m not working now so I was just going out for walks or museums and shit like that. Writing this now is resurfacing the way I felt on the day they broke up with me, it’s hard because they say they still care and love me but I’m just so emotionally vulnerable that my position is always to cut someone off when they leave me, they would still text me after the breakup but I eventually told them how poorly I was taking it and I needed space and they supported that.
I think after that message I felt bad because the message in the response was basically “I don’t know how to not message you without being anxious” so I stuck by them. Now that two weeks have gone by we barely text, last time I got a message was late Monday night. I’m not organically getting over them and I suppose it’s a mixture of my autism and the fact it’s my first relationship. I miss my partner but I hold some resentment towards the fact they didn’t communicate well, nor did I, but part of the reason the relationship failed and probably the main reason actually was poor communication. I was unhappy but due to my low self esteem I put their needs before mine and rarely addressed my issues within the relationship and just let it be.
I see now why it couldn’t work out but I’m just really upset still. I dream about them a lot because they’re always on my consciousness, just break up stuff and my vulnerabilities within the relationship facing me. I just want to stop feeling so bad but i know it’s because i still haven’t properly moved on. It doesn’t help that they told me there was a possibility of rekindling it but i know that’s not the right choice for either of us and I really don’t want a FWB type situation either. It’s just fading away and maybe that’s what I have to accept. There’s always something that reminds me of them every day whether it be a bench we sat on, a gift, song, food, etc you get the idea.
The fact that you don't give in to this, is a great sign of moving on. You're not blinded by desire or false hope. Your brain understands and your heart will follow. It's just a little more inert.
The biggest cry I had after a breakup was a month after I she left me. I was walking home at night and something reminded me of us walking the same way and I just stopped and cried sitting on a wall for 30 minutes or so. It hurt so much but now I know, that this was pure catharsis. I've tried to fight the sadness, "get over it", move on, not feel bad anymore. But what I needed was to bawl my eyes out until they burnt with snot spread all over my jacket. And when I was done I was okay.
Embrace it. You're alive and you loved and this what you get for that. It will pass, no matter what you do, but until then it's yours.
The only real advice i got is to listen to your favorite sad songs a lot and to take an hour long shower until your brain had dissolved in the mist and your skin is almost peeling off.