I firmly believe that happiness is a failed concept. It frames the fundamental emotion of joy as this attainable human state that we are supposed to be in. But joy, like all emotions, can only ever be temporary. If there is no joy, our lives will feel worthless and painful and we must do something about that. But just seeking joy, "happiness" or attempting to make it permanent is just as detrimental, as anybody who has suffered from addiction will know.
A much more useful word (in english) is content. You can be content with something, even if it makes you sad. When my grandfather died, I was sad and deeply heartbroken. I certainly wasn't happy, but i was content with how we said goodbye, how he was cared for in his last days, going out on his own terms.
ADHD and especially the medication made me realize how fickle our brain chemistry is. My meds go ham on my dopamine production/absorption and suddenly I'm doing good, finding some joy in my work, even if it bores me to death. Until it wears off and then sometimes I crash and feel sad, lonely and hopeless. But now that I am diagnosed and medicated, I am more content than I ever was because everyday i act instead of just being acted upon and it shows in all facettes of my life.
If you are rooted in a reality that you find fundamentally acceptable, that you are content with, you have a much better chance to endure the emotional storms. This is difficult and there is no guarantee. But it turns a non-existent emotional state into something that can be worked on, grappled with, and it is something that remains, regardless of how you feel in that very moment.
Half of them got to chapter 3, written in a continuous 4 hour hyperfocus session, before never touching it again and now live in constant shame, when they stumble upon the remains of their manuscript.
This looks ai generated. As in, what an ai believes streets look like, but it doesn't quite get the concept of space and connection and just adds random exit ramps and parking lots to fill the picture. It's the civil engineering equivalent of a third hand growing from a leg.
The anti-euro (both currency and organisation) sentiment was at the core of the founders of the AfD in 2013. It got quickly supplanted by a more straight up hard-right-nationalist ideology and has not played much of a role since then, but has always been on the back burner and showed up in singular positions of its deranged members. Them picking it up now seems like a calculated political move to find another scapegoat after refugees, muslims, "Genderwahnsinn" (literally "gender insanity", which would be a great name for a queer punk band tbh) or what have you.
Is this an actual position they hold? Who knows, they are fucking fash and will say and do anything to get into power and are not beholden to anything, once in power.
If the doctor is unsure, they should perform proper differential diagnostics or request a second opinion. Many doctors of course will never admit that they lack the knowledge to perform a proper ADHD diagnosis beyond the standardized questionnaire.
If there is a strong indication for both, a psychiatrist must figure out if the ADHD is the (or one of the) major cause of the depression or the depression is it's own thing. And then treat first what is more critical to the well being of the patient.
Bupropion is an anti-depressant and should be prescribed as such, even though it is an amphetamine-derivative. Pharma companies have tried to qualify it as ADHD medication as well, but it simply doesn't show efficacy beyond placebo.
Likewise, if you give a depressed person some Adderall, you now have an highly anxious, still depressed person tweaked out on speed that's gonna get a serious dopamine crash after 3-4 hours. The stuff is, unfortunately, highly specific and can be dangerous if admitted wrongly.
US doctors are fairly known to... let's say, medicate first and ask questions later, due to the broken for-profit healthcare system and pharma lobbying. I don't blame any patient struggling to take what they can get, but maybe we shouldn't throw useless psychoactive drugs around because we couldn't bother to have another session of diagnosis.
Hope it helps a little. Keep trying and feel free to give an update.
Napping has never worked well for me, I usually wake up feeling groggy and tired, if I can fall asleep in the first place.
Never did for work for me either. Until i got medicated. The fact that i can fall asleep, nap comfortably for 30-40 minutes and get up with a clearer head and some energy recovered, while on 70mg LDX still makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with my brain.
DISCLAIMER - I AM NOT A DOCTOR JUST AN ADHD NERD (but your doctor really should have told you this):
Methylphenidate (MPH, Concerta, Ritalin) and Dexamphetamine (Adderall, DEX, as Vyvanse/Elvanse: Lisdexamphetamine/LDX) are stimulants and the most well researched ADHD medications with highest efficacy rates. They are considered the first-in-line medication when treating ADHD. DEX has slightly better response rates in trials, but it's really a coin toss what works for you.
Strattera (Atomotexetin) is usually the third choice when the other two fail. Lower response rate than MPH and DEX, but works for some people. The combination with a short release MPH or DEX is fairly common to get started / help in criticial situations.
Wellbutrin/Bupropion shows strictly worse response rates and is not registered as ADHD medication in many places. Sometimes it gets prescribed as anti-depressant or if all other medication attempts have failed, but it should not be first in line for ADHD at all. I am honestly a little worried that your doctor would prescribe it for ADHD.
I am not familiar with the medication availability in the US, but unless there are very specific contra-indiciations, a first treatment attempt should be done with MPH or DEX, a second with the other one. I personally take LDX (Vyvanse) and it absolutely changed my life for the better.
plus another 5 mg quick release in the afternoon if I'm feeling tired or unfocused (not sure if I should make that an everyday thing)
Your medication level falls over the day, even with an extended release and a "rebounding" effect in the afternoon is extremely common. Do not feel bad about treating your ADHD if you need it. On the other hand: Being tired in the afternoon if you have been active/working during the day is just... normal. I use an advanced recovery technique i call "napping", but of course it's upon you to decide what you need. You could also consider increasing your XR dosage and see if that helps you through the afternoon.
First off: Congratulations on getting diagnosed. It's a huge step and 18 is a really nice timing. Untreated ADHD in adults can be really crippling, because all the supporting structures like school and family break away and suddenly you realize that managing your own time schedule and house hold is really fucking hard. So good job 👍
Second: You took 30 mg of Elvanse/LDX for the first time and you felt nothing? That's... impressive, honestly. Methylphenidate Non Responder are fairly known, but usually that amount of dexamphetamine does something to the human body. From your age I'd guess you are not a regular user of recreational amphetamines and have built a massive tolerance...
I also started with 30 mg Elvanse and was pretty seriously zoned in, deep focus, elevated mood, highly awake, loss of appetite and a very revelatory feeling, that I could finally tackle all the bullshit that I had avoided, delayed, ignored and forgotten. For me, the 30 mg were honestly too much. Over the last year I've built a tolerance and am now taking 40-70mg daily, depending on the challenges of the day.
Still I wouldn't worry. No effect also means no bad side effects. Adjusting the dosage is entirely normal in the beginning and something your psychiatrist should do anyway. The therapeutic dosage goes up to 70 mg and there are edge cases with even higher doses. There is also methylphenidate (Ritalin, MPH, etc) and Atomotexetin. But for now, just stick with what you got.
Dealing with ADHD is a marathon, not a sprint. You've just started, so take the days as they come and trust your feelings above all else. If it works, you'll know. And if not keep at it.
Also check out /c/neurodiverse, there are a lot of good posts and ADHD experiences shared.
I was working on a cool and powerful punch to launch my enemies of a stage so they could explode in a fiery column, only to reappear on a floating platform above me, unharmed.
We had a bright orange magic box that was connected to a beige windows 95 box that you were never allowed to turn off because nobody knew if it would survive a reboot and there was no software for the orange box for a more modern setup. Almost felt an like arcane ritual, typing in the command lines to get it to work.
Hell yeah. *vanse / Lisdexamphetmine / LDX was also my ADHD awakening. Congratulations on the laundry, it is truly a menace to society and the disordered mind.
How did I spend more than 30 years of my life not feeling like this? How many opportunities did I lose, how many things did I abandon because I felt like I wasn't capable of doing them, not because of my lack of competence, but rather because there was an invisible wall of inability between me and even the simplest task? I now realize how much of a fucking legit disability ADHD is.
It is a deeply sad revelation, that frequently stirs enormous regret and anger deep in me. The only real consolation is, that you could have gone another year, another decade or the rest of your life without knowing. But now you know and you must look ahead.
I'm afraid that this effect may only be an initial honeymoon phase and I'll eventually go back to how I was before.
There is an initial honeymoon phase, but that can last quite a few weeks, depending on how you are responding and how you adjust your dosage. There are also some annoying side effects that most people experience and there will be other challenges to overcome. But don't worry about it. If you respond to it well, the stuff likely keeps working. It's just not gonna be revelatory "the first day of the rest of my life" but a more balanced "this is day 258 of the rest of my life, but i like this life much much better". So enjoy the ride and then get to work.
Punctuality. Putting things away after using them. Remembering where I put my phone after putting it down in front of me one second ago. Calling you on your birthday. Opening my Mail and responding to it.
Took me 25 years to recognize I had ADHD.
On a lighter note: Chess. Hate that fucking game. Makes me feel stupid everytime I look at a board. Everything is fine and suddenly your queen is hanging and your opponent gives you a smug look, as in "did you really miss that?".
·15 days ago
·22 days ago
·1 month ago
It is a deeply sad revelation, that frequently stirs enormous regret and anger deep in me. The only real consolation is, that you could have gone another year, another decade or the rest of your life without knowing. But now you know and you must look ahead.
·1 month ago
I firmly believe that happiness is a failed concept. It frames the fundamental emotion of joy as this attainable human state that we are supposed to be in. But joy, like all emotions, can only ever be temporary. If there is no joy, our lives will feel worthless and painful and we must do something about that. But just seeking joy, "happiness" or attempting to make it permanent is just as detrimental, as anybody who has suffered from addiction will know.
A much more useful word (in english) is content. You can be content with something, even if it makes you sad. When my grandfather died, I was sad and deeply heartbroken. I certainly wasn't happy, but i was content with how we said goodbye, how he was cared for in his last days, going out on his own terms.
ADHD and especially the medication made me realize how fickle our brain chemistry is. My meds go ham on my dopamine production/absorption and suddenly I'm doing good, finding some joy in my work, even if it bores me to death. Until it wears off and then sometimes I crash and feel sad, lonely and hopeless. But now that I am diagnosed and medicated, I am more content than I ever was because everyday i act instead of just being acted upon and it shows in all facettes of my life.
If you are rooted in a reality that you find fundamentally acceptable, that you are content with, you have a much better chance to endure the emotional storms. This is difficult and there is no guarantee. But it turns a non-existent emotional state into something that can be worked on, grappled with, and it is something that remains, regardless of how you feel in that very moment.