“Jump to Conclusions” Liberal / Fascist Edition (long)

Hi everyone, we're running into the same arguments from our liberal/fascist friends over and over again, so I thought I'd put together a numbered list of responses to deal with the silly clichés they keep throwing at us. Every link listed here comes from an establishment source. For example, when encountering a lib who insists, despite having not read a word on the subject, that Nazism and communism are the same, feel free to direct them to number 8. Not that any of them will care, of course, since liberalism/fascism is based on mysticism rather than science, but I still thought I'd put this together to make responding to these people quicker and easier. Enjoy!

“Now I’m as left as they come, but these crazy tankies think it matters that Biden has dumped more than $75 billion on Ukrainian Nazis! What do you mean Ukraine was considered one of the most corrupt countries on Earth until virtually the day the so-called invasion began? What do you mean Ukraine was threatening to construct nuclear weapons if it wasn't allowed to join NATO shortly before the war began? Don’t tankies know that it is literally impossible to stop Nazism, that Nazis are everywhere, except in communist countries (for some mysterious reason) and that Nazis are also in Russia where rehabilitation of Nazism is legally banned? Don’t they know that Zelensky is Jewish and that Jews are physically incapable of supporting Nazis (what is the Jewish Ghetto Police? what is race science?)? Don’t they know about the Nazi founder of the Wagner Group who very curiously hasn’t been seen anywhere since 2016? Excuse me now while I have my eighth very public online meltdown for the day about that tennis player in China who vanished for a few hours. Don’t these fucking commies also know that history literally began five seconds ago and that the US Proxy War in Ukraine is definitely not a direct result of the USA succeeding in its near-century-long mission of annihilating the USSR, the said mission beginning when the USA invaded Russia unprovoked within months of the October Revolution?”
“Kill all landlords? That’s insane! We have to help the mom-and-pop landlords fight the evil woke globalist elite corporate satanist landlords. All violence is wrong except for the structural violence which funds my treats.”
“Capitalism always naturally rewards those who work the hardest and smartest, which is why I am a billionaire and not wasting my life arguing about subjects I have never read about with internet strangers who are curiously rather well-read on these subjects and constantly outmaneuvering me and exposing my embarrassing ignorance. But as we all know, intellectualism is a communist plot, nothing actually exists, everything is a matter of opinion, gravity for instance. I truly believe that reality isn’t real, which is why I don’t get angry at all when communists threaten to take away my treats. Because nothing actually exists I am happy to give you everything I possess. It is easy for me to describe the difference between capitalism and so-called crony capitalism because I know all about the history of capitalism and don't think that it has simply always existed everywhere in exactly the same form since the dawn of time.”
“Covid is mild (currently the fourth-leading cause of death according to the USA's notoriously under-counted statistics), the treatment is worse than the disease, we must purge society of the weak in order to make room for the strong (what’s eugenics? never heard of it. isn’t that something nazis did? but I can’t be a nazi because I’m the main character in the universe and a good person, while nazis knew the whole time that they were bad, this could never produce cognitive dissonance, I am a human psychology expert, I have read Jung, I have a meme saved somewhere listing logical fallacies), not being able to scream at waitresses at Applebees was so traumatic for me, I am blissfully unaware of how even a mild covid infection can damage practically every organ in your body (including your brain) and how each covid infection gives you a ten percent chance of contracting long covid, we need to go back to normal (the world of 2019 was a golden age!) and rescue the economy even though China’s economy has outperformed the USA’s by two or three times since the pandemic began and they instituted their draconian lockdowns which traumatized children who need to be in school where they can be subjected to casual indifference to deadly disease and profound intellectual stultification and abuse/neglect and white supremacist stochastic terrorism produced by the FBI as well as income inequality and capitalist alienation.”
“You think communism is good? Well what do you think about this you stupid tankie?” * posts article they haven’t even read which is written by the CIA or its puppets in the corporate press (Operation Mockingbird) which either quotes no sources, quotes “anonymous sources say,” quotes defectors who have been repeatedly shown to just make stories up about their home countries, quotes the Black Book of Communism which was disowned by its own authors (see Weisel Commission report page 48), or quotes bible-thumping CIA lunatic Adrian Zenz *
“Just because the CIA rescued over a thousand Nazis after WW2 and gave them new lives and hid them for decades and was never reformed and no one was every punished doesn’t mean that the CIA is untrustworthy! Everything magically got better at some vague point in the past and I will get angry and accuse you of incivility if you ask me to be more specific about when that point was!”
“Brigading is when anyone so much as raises an eyebrow after I express an opinion which would make Hitler blush (as a result of my marinating among the fascists of r*ddit for years without receiving the slightest pushback for my appalling beliefs, meanwhile it’s been years since anyone has even looked at me in the real world unless I have paid them to do so or unless they hope to inherit some money from me some day, this is the best of all possible worlds, it is completely natural!).”
“Nazism and communism are the same, this isn’t Holocaust denial what you are you talking about, it’s not as though Mussolini was funded by British intelligence in order to fight communism, it’s not as though Hitler was funded by American capital and drew inspiration from the USA’s genocidal extermination of Native Americans and enslavement of Africans, it’s not as though the Soviets destroyed the Nazis and did the vast majority of the fighting and killing and dying in World War 2 and liberated the concentration camps almost single-handedly and forced Hitler to commit suicide and signed the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact only after the allies had already appeased Germany and only after the Soviets had begged the allies for an anti-Nazi alliance, everything they did was because of Lend-Lease (that’s also why the French did so well in Vietnam, the USA fronted almost the entire cost of this totally justified colonial war), communism has failed everywhere it’s been tried, capitalism is human nature, the mitochondrial Adam and Eve were literally McDonald’s franchise owners, God is literally the great investor in the sky, I’m a highly rational atheist but I will get extremely angry if you accuse me of worshipping the market as though it is a god, that’s why I’m not desperately consuming every news story I can find about how any second now China is bound to collapse (it’s not as though a number of prominent media personalities have built their careers off of making these predictions and being wrong literally every single time for decades), plus China is actually capitalist anyway because everyone knows that more than a billion Chinese people are too fucking stupid to know when they are enslaved (I'm the least-racist person ever to walk the Earth), China is genociding Uyghurs even though there are no pictures of this (except for weird satellite photos which were totally not abused in the lead-up to the Iraq War) despite the genocide having apparently begun decades ago and despite the fact that we should be somewhat skeptical when the USA, which has murdered millions of Muslims around the globe in the last two decades (a claim nobody denies), makes these claims, especially in light of the fact that the corporate press lied repeatedly about WMDs in Iraq with absolutely zero consequences for anyone involved.”
- responds with ableist insult revealing a casual comfort with eugenics *
“Democracy is when you vote every two or four years for candidates who are all owned entirely by the bourgeoisie and when even your peaceful protests are met with murderous hordes of hogs. Any country which prevents American corporations from buying their elections is an evil totalitarian authoritarian dictatorship which ignores democracy and human rights!”
“Biden can’t actually do anything sweaty, he is literally the most powerless person ever to walk the Earth (even though Trump, who occupied the same office, was a totalitarian authoritarian dictator who ran roughshod over the precious institutions and norms of our hallowed democracy!), it’s not as though the Defense Production Act allows the president to seize and control any company and even set prices with the stroke of a pen, it’s not as though he could pack the courts to keep them from fucking with him, it’s not as though Nixon himself used this act during the stagflation crisis (which places fucking Biden to the right of Nixon!), it’s not as though this act was used at the beginning of the pandemic to force companies to produce enough ventilators (with zero pushback from the SCOTUS), everything good is impossible, just don’t pay attention to the fact that most of the fucked up shit that happens in the USA ONLY happens here! This is the best of all possible worlds and you should be locked up in an insane asylum and have the key thrown away if you even raise an eyebrow in response to my saying this!”
“If you care about trans people but think that dumping money on the police is bad then you are actually a fascist since fascism is anything I personally dislike, for example when my ex-wives go to court to force me to make alimony payments on time or when my children refuse to speak to me because I am a truly terrible human being.”
“I know all about Marxism because I am literally an expert on everything and read and understood every word of Capital in college which is why I can easily explain the difference between MCM and CMC for example without sloppily plagiarizing the first PraegerU results I find on google.”
“Socialism is when the government does stuff which is why all of us need to get down on our knees and suck the cock of the nearest police officer right now.”
“Imperialism/colonialism is when a country does something to undermine the USA and succeeds which is why the Russian Federation, which was virtually created by the Clinton administration, is imperialist and colonialist and why we must ally with the most appalling monsters ever to exist (the CIA) in order to destroy them. 'America bad, haha, imagine thinking that a country with hundreds of military bases around the world and one which freely admits to overthrowing countless governments going back almost two centuries (the most recent official regime change was Pakistan in 2022 according to leaked cables) has the slightest influence on global affairs.'”