What I mean is that I have ADHD, I got diagnosed this summer, but sometimes I feel like I don't have ADHD in the right way. I struggl with ADHD a lot, and it really affects me, but for some reason I feel like I'm using it as an excuse or faking my symptoms. Even though I know I'm not?
ADHD affects me very negatively and it makes being in college way, way harder for me than other people. But hyperactivity is less of a symptom for me than other ADHDers (but still a thing), so i feel like im faking my condition.
Like, I have an official, medical diagnosis. Nobody thinks I'm playing up or faking my symptoms. So then why the hell do I get like this?
Also I very likely have autism but diagnosis is very expensive so that's another issue
I've spent most of my life masking so hard that I have managed to lead what most people would call a "competent" life, at the cost of my mental health, my sense of self-worth and my social interactions because I constantly feel I'm a faker and that people are going to find me out. It's gotten so bad that I'm working with my therapist to allow myself to exist without masking, and to allow myself to be happy for the first time in my life.
When I hear stories about people struggling so much harder than me, having difficulty holding jobs, or in education, my low self-esteem makes me downplay my own struggles, and the very real damage that forcing myself to live masking has done. Yeah I can sort of navigate social situations, but that leaves me drained, exhausted and feeling like shit. I can concentrate sometimes, but only if the stars align correctly. I want to fidget and move, but I know that people would think I'm weird for doing that, so I force myself not to.
I feel lucky for the privileges I've had, and how my neurodivergence has panned out wrt life, but I have to remind myself that I'm not doing great, even if I try to convince everyone and myself that I am fine.