Reflections on Life and Changing Worldviews

Having lived for so many years, I can't help but compare different periods of my life. My generation, in particular, had to endure many tumultuous political and economic events. Each era provided its own spiritual nourishment, which shaped our worldview. I believe that a person's worldview is largely shaped by the dominant ideology of society during the period of their most active engagement with the world. From personal experience, I think a person's views on life, their relationship to the world around them, and key character traits are mostly formed before the age of twenty. Of course, later on, perspectives can change, but these changes often happen under immense pressure from circumstances.

In my reflections, I base my thoughts on my own experiences, so I do not claim to have the final word on these matters.

Early Life and Struggles

I was born into a very poor family. My mother worked as a maid in a wealthy household, and my father was a chimney sweep. When I was born, he was sent into exile for seven years, so I didn’t see him until I was seven years old. It would have been better if I hadn’t seen him at all, as he made my childhood the most difficult period of my life, which also influenced the formation of my character.

I remember my childhood from the age of four. We lived in a semi-basement room. It was my mother, my older brother (two years older than me), and myself. The two-story house was somewhat isolated from other homes, with no neighbors, except for a small house next to it where a guard lived. He had a daughter my age, with whom I would play "house." I started playing this game quite early, which was unusual. My brother never played with me. There were no other boys my age. So, I spent a lot of time alone in that half-basement, looking at the dirty yard. This lack of communal interaction meant that the sense of collectivism never really developed in me.

Early Reading and Influences

Apparently, the guard, Uncle Viktor, taught me to read at an early age. By the age of four, I could read, and this started to shape my worldview. I would go up to the second floor, where I saw empty rooms and scattered pages from books, some of them torn. I remember a hardcover book with missing pages and a very small font, possibly in Russian, that I couldn’t read. But there were portraits in the book, all of which had been covered in ink. I wondered why the book had ink spilled on it. I also remember a soft-cover book with large text, "How Our Grandfathers Lived and Fought," featuring an image of seven people with spoons, one with an ox yoke. The image showed a peasant plowing, followed by seven people with spoons. This left a lasting impression on me. From this period onward, I think my worldview began to take shape in support of the Soviet regime.

The Ideology of the Time

In the 1930s, people like us had no access to the press, and radios were rare. But still, we knew what was happening in the country. I’m talking about polar explorers, polar aviators, border guards like Karatsupa and his dog Zhukbars, the Chelyuskin expedition, Papanin, and many others. We were proud of them, and there was no talk of the purges. Of course, there was great love for Stalin, Beria, Voroshilov, and others. To me, Stalin appeared as a wise and kind old grandfather, and Voroshilov was a strong, athletic young man, the best shooter. Our country was the best in the world. We had no "Mister Twisters." We loved Black people, and they didn’t love us. We defended the children of Spain, while others killed them. Our army was the strongest, and our Red Army soldiers were the kindest and bravest. We also had the kindest man in the world, Grandpa Lenin. Our country was the largest and most beautiful. We were all in love with Chapayev, hoping he would make it to the shore.

This was the spiritual food that shaped our worldview. And of course, we loved Soviet power and the Soviet motherland. Such upbringing led to the mass heroism of Soviet people and the unforgettable feats of Soviet citizens both on the frontlines and in the rear during the Great Patriotic War.

Doubts and Realizations

However, such spiritual nourishment did not affect everyone in the same way. The country was home to tens of millions of people who experienced what it meant to build socialism with only internal resources, primarily relying on agriculture. The war clearly demonstrated this.

As for me, I belong to the larger part of the population that sincerely believed everything we read in the press, heard on the radio, and were told by elders. We lived in poverty, but we were promised a bright future, and we believed in it. I believed in Stalin. To me, he was the wisest and kindest person. The only time I questioned his military genius was when the Germans approached Stalingrad. Before that, I justified our retreat as a strategy to lure the enemy in. But Stalingrad felt different, and victory wiped away all my doubts. Stalin was once again a genius leader in my eyes.

The End of the War and the Changing Outlook

On Victory Day, I was in the center of Tbilisi, walking down Rustaveli Avenue with my classmate, discussing various issues in our lives. I was almost 15, but what’s interesting is that I said, "The war is over, and now we will begin a freer and happier life." In hindsight, I can’t understand why I was so certain of a future of freedom. Somehow, I subconsciously felt that our life wasn’t really free.

In the summer of 1945, we were asked to leave the school where we had been living for about two years. We moved to Vladikavkaz, where there was a possibility of getting enough food. Life wasn’t easy, but it was better than before. At the time, the country was full of praise for Stalin, especially in Georgia. When the Germans approached the Caucasus mountains, the Georgians spoke of Stalin as "the bastard Ossetian," but when victory was secured, he was once again celebrated as a great son of Georgia.

The Twentieth Congress and the Fallout

The 20th Congress of the Communist Party was a turning point for many. Before that, Stalin had been seen as the only true interpreter of Marxism-Leninism. But then, he was exposed as a criminal and a murderer. Stalin was no longer just a personality; he had become a symbol of socialism’s construction not only in our country but in the international communist movement.

By criticizing Stalin’s repressive policies, Khrushchev created a deep divide in the understanding of Marxism-Leninism and what socialism truly meant. This inevitably had an impact on our spiritual nourishment, leading to more liberal interpretations of Marxism and a growing criticism of everything that had been happening in our country. By the late 1950s and early 1960s, the revisionist interpretation of Marxism had taken hold, and the criticism of the personality cult practically turned into criticism of socialism itself and everything related to it.

Growing Disillusionment with the Party

I continued to believe in socialism and remained loyal to the Party’s policies. I joined the Party in 1957. However, by the late 1970s, my confidence in the Party began to waver. By the 1950s, I had lost any reverence for Stalin, especially after reading his writings on linguistics and economic problems within socialism. We were forced to admire and take notes on these works, but I could not understand what was so brilliant about them. I began to realize that long-term leadership often stifled a country's development. This was a realization that was confirmed by history.

The Collapse of the Soviet Union

I now believe that the 20th Congress was the start of the collapse of the Soviet Union. While living under socialism for 61 years, I don’t think socialism was an entirely bad system. At least under socialism, the people weren’t exploited as they are now. However, those in charge lacked a proper understanding of economics and international economic relations. We closed ourselves off from the world and made ideology the priority. We didn’t learn from capitalists about managing an economy.

Khrushchev had promised that by 1970 we would surpass the United States in key areas of heavy industry. I believed we could achieve this. But by 1970, it became clear we hadn’t achieved anything close to that. The country was led by Brezhnev, who became infamous for his "kisses" and for awarding himself the Order of Victory, despite his relatively minor role in the victory over fascism.

By the 1970s, the country was facing serious economic decline. There was a shortage of meat, dairy, and products in the stores, especially in Russia. The situation in the republics was better, but it became harder to believe in the idea of communism when everyday life was far from the ideals we were taught.

The Bitter Truth of the 1991 Collapse

When I left the army and got closer to real life, I realized how far we had strayed from the ideals we had been taught. This gap between theory and reality helped create the conditions for the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991.