And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
If you want to make a better world, you can be a leftist.
The HOW of making a better world will determine where you fit into the left, and only learning what it is that differentiates each section of the left will really teach you where you fit in and whether you agree more with one method over another.
Many leftists from the other segments will tell you you're not a leftist if you don't subscribe specifically to their segment. This is unavoidable. I am told I'm not a leftist every single day by people that don't subscribe to marxism-leninism.
Do not worry about it.
If I could highlight this whole comment for you, OP, I would. My journey started with me being a Republican because that's what my parents were, and when Hillary Clinton ran for office I voted Democrat, which I thought was "left wing", and from there I've been a centrist, green, ultra left, anarchocommunist, Trotskyist, and now a Marxist-Leninist. It has taken me several years to find what type of leftism I ascribe to currently.
And I want to point out that there's not a "goal" type for you to eventually get to. The idea is not for you to become a Marxist-Leninist. I only bounced around like I did because I didn't know what each of the types stood for or represented, so in order to discover what I truly believed I had to inspect each one closely.