And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
two points. first, the only incorrect way to read theory is to not read it. even if you don't understand 100% of a book -- hell, even if you only understand 25% of a book the first time you read it -- you can still get a lot out of it and become a better, more informed leftist. second, theory is only one side of the coin. what makes a good leftist is a combination of theory and praxis that inform each other, so if you're still really that worried about not being able to read theory, getting out and actually contributing to a leftist cause will both help you feel like you're a Good Leftist and make reading theory more approachable, bc praxis informs theory and vice versa
Death to America