So I just realized I might exhibit one of the common autistic experiences. It certainly feels like overstimulation in a literal sense, previously I've thought of it as being overwhelmed or things getting too intense. I snap my fingers, flex my hand, scrabble around with whatever's in my hand, repeatedly whisper

CW: suicide

"I hate you" or "Kill yourself"

under my breath almost like an incantation, even bash my fists against my temples when it gets bad.

The problem is this is almost always in response to thoughts I'm having or something I remember, which doesn't seem very external, and everything I read keeps saying it's only with external stimuli from one's environment. So is this something else?

Edit: Talked with my therapist and she said this is extremely OCD pilled. Task failed successfully

  • RION [she/her]
    ·
    21 hours ago

    Thank you for the detailed reply quokka-smile

    The way I phrased that did my therapist a bit of a disservice, she said it was very evocative of OCD but that she couldn't necessarily rule it out as an autism thing while noting the latter is not her expertise, despite having an interest in it. I don't think she asked that last question.

    I'm going to look at some self assessments and do some reading (still on the second chapter of Unmasking Autism) and see what comes of that. The subjectivity of it kinda sucks honestly. I wish I could just take a blood test or something and know 100% what's up with me

    • ReadFanon [any, any]M
      ·
      20 hours ago

      It's all good.

      I'm glad to hear that your therapist has a measured approach to this stuff, I genuinely hate being in a position of criticising a therapist or a clinician as an outsider based on second-hand info because there's a lot of layers of complexity within that and I think it's kinda wrecker shit to go and mess with what's going on within the consultation room, except where there's a clear example of something being really wrong. Hence why you hear me talking in generalities and encouraging caution or speaking about trends without making any direct statements about someone's therapist except where they've really fucked up.

      The subjectivity of it kinda sucks honestly. I wish I could just take a blood test or something and know 100% what's up with me

      Indeed. It would make things so much easier.