CW: chapter 2 contains a detailed description of child abuse by a parent
Hello comrades, it's time for our second discussion thread for The Will to Change, covering Chapters 2 (Understanding Patriarchy) and 3 (Being a Boy). Thanks to everyone who participated last week, I’m looking forward to hearing everyone’s thoughts again. And if you’re just joining the book club this week, welcome!
In Ch.2 hooks defines patriarchy, how it is enforced by parental figures and society at large, and the struggle of antipatriarchal parents to raise children outside of these rigid norms when the border culture is so immersed in them. Ch.3 delves deeper into the effects of patriarchy on young boys and girls and the systemic apparatuses that reinforce gender norms.
If you haven't read the book yet but would like to, its available free on the Internet Archive in text form, as well as an audiobook on Youtube with content warnings at the start of each chapter, courtesy of the Anarchist Audio Library, and as an audiobook on our very own TankieTube! (note: the YT version is missing the Preface but the Tankietube version has it)
As always let me know if you'd like to be added to the ping list!
Our next discussion will be on Chapters 4 (Stopping Male Violence) and 5 (Male Sexual Being), beginning on 12/11.
with chapters like 2-5 (as soon as I got the ebook downloaded and switched to that from the audiobook I ended up reading ahead lol) this book really hits its stride for me.
I get why it's so widely recommended now. my most salient thoughts are on the later chapters, especially the sanctioning of male violence and the substituting of lower-hierarchy males as targets of violence and sexuality, as well as pervasiveness of patriarchal behavior in gay men.
ch2 left me thinking that, at least in childhood, things have gotten somewhat better since hooks' childhood. The shame and emotional abuse are still there, but the physical abuse is less normalized. But upon further reflection, its a much smaller effect than you might think, as a lot of that violence has just gone underground.
personal experiences, somewhat traumatic cw abuse
I'm not that old, and my liberal parents in a liberal area still hit me as a kid. Not often, and they seemed to know it was wrong but they just... still did. I'm sure they'd balk at the characterization of it as even hitting, but it was (spanking mostly). As I got older and big enough to fight back (not that i ever did) it pretty much stopped, but the rage that fueled it was still there. My dad kicked something so hard he broke his own toes because he was mad at me for being up late as a teen, like wtf is that? He expected to be obeyed, I guess, but that shit never worked, I had bigger issues than just "teehee I wanna play on the computer at 3am", my sleep cycle and mental health were all fucked up, I was starting to think about my sexuality more seriously, and I couldn't talk to anyone, except maybe like 2 people at school, one of whom was a girl I barely knew.
I learned at some point in, idk, elementary school not to trust my parents. They just wouldn't get it, no matter what "it" was. Or their solution would be telling me to suck it up. My mom clearly wanted to keep providing me with some level of emotional nurturing/connection, but it wasn't very successful, the bond and the trust was broken. I'm still not out to either of them, in large part because I'm not like this because I'm not straight, or I'm mentally ill or trans, I don't want those things to color their opinion of me. I'm just a person who wants to be allowed to have feelings and convictions and not have to justify myself, but I still don't trust that I would be regarded as a person first, and that they wouldn't recast how they saw my whole life anew in the context of me coming out.