CW: chapter 2 contains a detailed description of child abuse by a parent
Hello comrades, it's time for our second discussion thread for The Will to Change, covering Chapters 2 (Understanding Patriarchy) and 3 (Being a Boy). Thanks to everyone who participated last week, I’m looking forward to hearing everyone’s thoughts again. And if you’re just joining the book club this week, welcome!
In Ch.2 hooks defines patriarchy, how it is enforced by parental figures and society at large, and the struggle of antipatriarchal parents to raise children outside of these rigid norms when the border culture is so immersed in them. Ch.3 delves deeper into the effects of patriarchy on young boys and girls and the systemic apparatuses that reinforce gender norms.
If you haven't read the book yet but would like to, its available free on the Internet Archive in text form, as well as an audiobook on Youtube with content warnings at the start of each chapter, courtesy of the Anarchist Audio Library, and as an audiobook on our very own TankieTube! (note: the YT version is missing the Preface but the Tankietube version has it)
As always let me know if you'd like to be added to the ping list!
Our next discussion will be on Chapters 4 (Stopping Male Violence) and 5 (Male Sexual Being), beginning on 12/11.
I've recounted this story here before but when I was a little kid I used to let my mom paint my nails because I thought it was fun. This continued until one day at the park other boys laughed at me for my painted nails and told me that only girls paint their nails. After this I never painted my nails again. Although I don't think I would do it now--it's not for me--I have worked in recent years to broaden my conception of what I'm allowed to do as a man. It's very frustrating to me, though, and more than a little scary, that no matter how much you do at home to nurture boy children it all goes away the second they leave the house and put themselves at risk of patriarchal bullying.
This story also emphasizes to me that a lot of gender, but especially masculinity, especially today, is defined by what one is not allowed to do. Painting my nails, wearing jewelry with gemstones, shaking my hips when i dance, etc. is all "feminine" and therefore not allowed for a lot of men.
A lot of current masculinity is defined as the opposite of being feminine. That is why its so threatening when woman say that woman can do anything. So by logic a man can do nothing since being a man is the opposite of being feminine. That is why people find it so threatening since its not defined in the positive.
Defining masculinity not as something, but negatively as the opposite of feminity starts in childhood: In the stereotypical ideal of a patriarchal family, the father is absent and emotionally unavailable, the only immediately available role model for a boy would be his mother. But he learns early that to copy her is forbidden for him. So in absence of an example to follow, his role model becomes a negation: "not like mother". Disdain for feminity is a logical consequence.