I want to preface this by saying I’m not s*icidal. I’m not. I’m just tired of feeling this way.

I’m unhappy. I’m angry. I’m empty. I’m emotionally stunted. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I’m tired of waking up in pain. I’m tired of feeling like a stranger everywhere I go. I have no friends. I work 7 tens a week. I HAVENT HAD A DAY OFF WORK IN OVER A MONTH STRAIGHT! Im pushing almost 300 hours the last four weeks alone. I don’t enjoy work anymore. It’s six AM and I’ve been up since three, aside from the first twenty minutes I haven’t quit crying. I never see my kids anymore and when I do I’m so wiped out from work that I can’t do anything but sit down.

I don’t like the man I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I’m so desperate for some inner peace. I don’t know where to turn. Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t know why. I’m on number four in about 18 months. I so desperately long for a human connection with someone. Any one.

This place isnt the cause. But I feel like the time I spend here could be better spent trying to fix whatever is wrong with me. I don’t think I’ll be back. I won’t be missed. I’m not a likable person and I don’t think I have been for some time.

Anyway, take care yall. I’m so sorry for being an asshole. Please accept my apology and understand that I don’t want to be this person any more. I so badly want to fix whatever is broken in me.

EDIT - I called in to work. I’m taking today off. I’m going to go have a conversation with my sister about some of the stuff rattling around in my head. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and find another counselor, I think.

I’m reconsidering deleting my account, but I’m still going MIA a while. Thank you guys for the kind words. I’ll be back eventually, hopefully less stressed.

Bye for now.

  • Feinsteins_Ghost [he/him]
    ·
    17 days ago

    This is my fourth bout with skin cancer. Two basal, one squamous, but this one is Merkels cell sarcoma. It’s localized to my shoulder. I just recently had the punch biopsy, and MOHS surgery to remove it. Right now I’m not on anything exotic yet, but I may end up having the lymph nodes in my neck dissected. That’ll be coming up in the next few weeks. I think it was caught early (it was found on a three month checkup from just having basal cell removed from my cheek/nose) enough that I’ll survive, but merkel cell is fucking aggressive once it take hold. That’s not to mention the dysplasia/Barretts esophagus issues I have. That one is gonna be the one that kills me when it goes tits up.

    Good news is I blew thru my out of pocket, out of pocket max, and out of network deductibles about six months ago so most of the visits are fully covered, 90% of my meds are covered fully. My employer offers UHC, so hopefully Brian having his chest turned into a canoe will give me some unexpected benefits.

      • Feinsteins_Ghost [he/him]
        ·
        17 days ago

        My sister gets off work in a couple hours and she has asked me to come over when she does so we can talk a while. I really do need to give a voice to this stuff I think.