Yesterday was supposed to be my step kiddo's first day of school, but he got a tad sick yesterday so we decided to keep him home. We sent him in for his first day of second grade today though! He's 7 and hasn't spoken yet, but he's made so much progress the past few months. He's finally figured out how to put on his own shoes and pants, he has a tablet that he watches Sarah and Duck on 24/7 (he does not watch any other show, except Nathan for you, he loves Nathan for you every once in a while for some reason) and he's recently started playing sound clips through tapping certain parts of the play bar. When he needs a diaper change it's "Duck has a wet bottom" or when he's sad, he will get on his tablet and tap on the spot on the play bar to tell us he's sad. There are multiple small examples of this he'll do throughout the day and it's just so fucking amazing to see him learning to find ways to communicate so much better before he goes into school. He hasn't quite grasped the screen talking the school does with him, but he's started doing it through his show and I'm so happy he can finally advocate for himself to anybody that can hear. I just don't want him getting bulldozed by this worls because he's not able to scream "STOP" and doesn't understand the construction signs.
Other parents can chime in, this community is quite slow so feel free to comment any rants about your kid. But I'm curious if there are any other special needs parents here?
I know it doesn't compare to how he'll feel when he's older, but being the parent of a special needs child is isolating. While everybody else's kids are learning all these new books, maybe starting extra curriculars, I'm changing diapers, potty training and teaching him how to use a fork. There's nothing wrong with how long he needs to learn these things, but other parents just can't understand being on these topics for 7 years. It makes me feel like I'm alone, and it just spirals because it reminds me of how few people he has that can truly understand his experience. I'm only 22, although I was also non-verbal until I was 4-5, I have no experience on parenting, let alone parenting a child with special needs. I'm just scared that even with the extra experience I have being a nonverbal child, I won't be able to really understand enough to show him the love he deserves.
Maybe we'll be 20 years from now, and maybe he won't be able to tell me, but I'll just realize that I didn't have enough patience for him as a kid. There would be no way to know I'm actually apologizing to him, there would be no real way to tell if I was apologizing to him for him or just selfishly apologizing to make myself feel better. Like if I end up crying while apologizing to him, he will start crying. There is no way for me to know if I made his day better or worse by talking about it with him so I just never do. Anything I do with him is, for his sake, completely permanent. How do you guys handle this feeling?
We have a daughter who's about three-and-a-half and has been showing signs of neurodivergence. She's not non-verbal, but she has a substantial speech delay and is still only using very basic language, and often tries to communicate with context clues and body language over speech. She's also been very resistant to potty training and engaging in structured activities. We're very fortunate that she seems to have no motor control issues and that she's making progress with language, but it can be really tough sometimes not knowing whether she'll have unexpected limitations that persist. My approach is and has been to be as consistent as possible in showing love and affection, while also making every effort to understand what she's trying to tell us. She's going to develop however she develops, and she'll have our support regardless.
I never went into parenting with any expectations for my kids. They are who they are, and we have to give them the best environment possible to thrive. Sometimes they might really suffer from lack of ability to communicate or make sense of the world, but my hope is that when they remember being sad or scared or frustrated, they'll also remember that we were always there with them making the effort. They might only notice in retrospect that we were trying our best to help. The important thing, to me, is that we can look back in 20 years and feel confident that we did what we could to make them feel loved and secure.
You're taking on a lot at your age, I hope you're not being too hard on yourself. It sounds like you're being incredibly kind and generous of spirit to a child who is struggling in a world not designed for him. I obviously can't know what he's experiencing, but in my experience kids are wildly more perceptive than adults give them credit for. I bet he knows on some level what you're trying to do for him, and that it'll become clearer over time as you stick with him.
No special needs that we're aware of yet for our kid. He's 3 year old and is still having trouble with potty training. He insists on using a pull up for pooping but we're trying to be patient and work through it with him. He's really sweet but I woke up this morning to him discovering some old bath bombs we got as a gift and using them to create a sandy construction site on the floor 😅
The way your child is communicating with you with the tablet is a good sign, I hope he finds other ways to convey his thoughts and feelings to you as he develops. I can't even imagine how challenging that is for you as a parent, but want to echo what EnsignRedshirt said that it sounds like you're doing a great job and he's really lucky to have you for a parent. All parents are utterly inexperienced unless its like, their 6th kid, and for all they know they've done it wrong 6 times in a row.
Regarding the feeling you mention - I can't really say if its best for your kid or not. For mine, we strive very strongly to be honest and talk to each other in good faith about our actions and feelings. When I'm upset or he's upset we talk about why we feel that way even if the underlying reason is, on reflection, not worth the disagreement. If he couldn't respond back to me though I'm not sure I could make the same commitment - it's up to you. Personally I'd prefer to be as open and honest as possible - if you feel like you owe him an apology then apologize. If you don't, then explain to him why your actions upset him but were reasonable. Even though he's a child with special needs, he deserves to be treated as a person with a fair sense of agency and self-determination when appropriate, even if it's upsetting for him or you at the time. You're also a person who deserves to be happy, and telling him the truth - that none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes - is hopefully something he can understand. I know he'll still love you and appreciate all that you do, even if apologizing to him might make both of you cry in the moment.
