Idk, I just work, go home, sleep, work again. I'm more financially stable than most people my age working for minimum wage, having been able to save by living with my parents, and that gives me motivation to get up and keep doing this every day.

But, I guess it's still not enough in the long term, for one thing.

For another, that's all that I do. I feel so easily distracted otherwise and just live to move from day off to day off, never having the focus to organize something to improve the other aspects of my life. I've not really achieved a lot of the career goals I had for myself nearly a decade ago. And that makes me feel especially like I'm failing at performing whatever male gender roles that society expects of me, which I feel in turn, will be a malus towards whatever prospects at sociability that I might have.

I'm approaching 30 and I hardly have no consistent friends or significant other. I keep reflecting on this and wonder if my social ineptitude will compound on me like my parents and result in me being either completely lonely like them or in a crappy relationship. I try making friends outside of here but, the most annoying thing about it is that I seem to often find myself the one who has to consistently initiate conversations, leading me to take hits to my rather low self-esteem. I'm just not worth bothering with as a person. The same can be said for dating in some respects. I just want to find people who I can geek out and joke about history and gaming stuff.

I'm approaching the new year, feeling disorganized and listless, discouraged by whatever past failures I've gotten out of trying to make plans to better myself that fall through.