Quotes from Chpt. 10

Individuals without Integrity naturally compartmentalize and patriarchal masculinity normalizes male compartmentalization...compartmentalization is a way to avoid feeling pain.

We are all familiar with the man who goes to church on Sunday morning, believing that he loves God and God's creation and his fellow human beings, but who on Monday Morning has no trouble with his company's policy of dumping toxic waste in the local stream. He can do this because he has religion in one compartment and business in another.

Work is often the space where men detach from feelings. Zukav and Francis describe workaholism as a flight from emotions: "it is a drug that is as effective as most powerful anesthetic. Workaholism is a deep sleep, it is a self-induced trance that temporarily keeps painful emotions away from your awareness". At the moment when addictions stop keeping the pain at bay, many men sink into depression and as with so much male pain, it is only in recent years that men have been given societal permission to confront depression. Men suffer depression frequently because of their own unfulfilled expectations, or their perfectionism, which can never be satisfied, since to be human is to be imperfect.

The competitive performance model of patriarchy teaches men who father; that a son is, or will be, his adversary. That he has to fear the son stealing his glory. Our myths and religious stories are full of narratives in which the son is depicted as the father's enemy; ever poised to steal his power.

Only the man who chooses a healthy model; wherein the father figure, the adult man of integrity, the guide who shelters, protects and nurtures the son, can gracefully attend the assertion of his own son's healthy autonomy. When father figures are healthy, they know when to let go, they can affirm the boy every step of the way.

Men of Integrity are not ashamed to serve; they are caretakers, Guardians, keepers of the flame; they know Joy.

Quotes from Chpt. 11

To write about Men and Love I must speak of War. Time and time again, we have been told that Civilization cannot survive men's loving; for if men love, they will not be able to kill on command. However, if men were Natural Born Killers, hardwired by biology and Destiny to take life, then there would be no no need for patriarchal socialization to turn them into Killers. The Warrior's Way wounds boys and men, it has been the arrow shot through the heart of their Humanity. The Warrior's Way has led men in the direction of an impoverishment of spirit so profound that it threatens all life on planet Earth.

If we are to survive on this planet so threatened by War and warriors, you must get beyond the obsolete archetype of the Warrior, and value images such as the Peacemaker, the Partner, and the husbandman who cares for the earth and the animals. Even though war is failing as a strategy for sustaining life and creating safety, our nation's leaders force us into battle, giving new life to the dying patriarchy.

Most women in this study; whether married, single, or divorced of all ages, say they have not yet found the love they are looking for. The love women are looking for in relationships with men, is one based on mutuality and partnership...and mutuality is different from equality. Women once believed that men would give us more respect if we showed we were their equals, in a world where gender inequality is for most people an accepted Norm, men withhold from women their respect. The root of the word respect means: "to look at". Women want to be recognized, seen and cared about by the men in our lives. We desire respect, whether gender equality exists in all areas or not. When a woman and man have promised to give each other love, to be mutually supportive, to bring together care, commitment, knowledge, respect, responsibility and Trust. Even if there are circumstances of inequality, no one uses that difference to enforce domination. Love cannot coexist with domination.

Loving, sexual intimacy, expresses care and appreciation, it is mutual giving, not mutual taking. It is an arena in which individuals nurture each other, rather than exploit each other. In loving sexual intimacy, sexual partners are not interchangeable; they are unique in their histories, aptitudes, struggles and joys. They know each other and care for each other, they empathize, they are interested in each other, they use physical intimacies to deepen their emotional intimacies, they are committed to Growing together.

We yearn for boys and men to find their way to self-love. We yearn for boys and men to move from self-love to Healing fellowship with one another. No man who reclaims passion for his life, fears the passion in another man. He is not homophobic, for to be so would be a rejection of the self-acceptance and acceptance of others that is essential to the formation and maintenance of self-esteem. If all men were in touch with Primal positive passion, the categories of gay and straight would lose their charged significance.

Patriarchy has sought to repress and tame erotic passion, precisely because of its power to draw us into greater and greater communion with ourselves, with those we know most intimately, and with the stranger. Feminism changed the intimate lives of women and men, by offering to everyone, a vision of relationships rooted in mutuality. A vision of Partnerships without domination. This seductive promise can be fulfilled only as patriarchal thinking ceases to dominate the consciousness of women and men, girls and boys.

My biggest take-away from the book is that Patriarchy (and Patriarchal thinking) is far more pervasive than I give it credit for. There are very few men in my life who would embody the traits of non-patriarchal masculinity.

Regarding everyday changes from the book: the urge to be dominant is something I hate, unfortunately this book has re-ignited that hatred and I am witnessing it more and more amongst my colleagues. On a positive note, I would be try to steer some friends (especially those who have recently become parents) towards this book.

The final chapter covers the way to improve culture on the site. People who are seeking to improve or change themselves should be greeted with open arms. Hopefully the people who have some skills in introspection will be able to acknowledge that they need assistance with that and be given that guidance.