I want to be respectful but if they say they don't care what pronouns I use for them, that feels like it puts the decision on me to choose what to call them and I guess I would probably default to "they" because choosing a gender for them feels weird... am I wrong?
If someone tells you they don't care about pronoun usage, believe them. I'm nonbinary and don't care what pronoun people use for me, because I identify as both male and female. Most people default to "he" for me because of my beard, but others use "they" because of my proclivity for wearing skirts, nail polish, and lipstick. Rarely I'll have someone use "she" (or I'll use it myself), but ultimately, I'm just a person who exists outside of the gender spectrum (or right in the middle), and pronouns are just a grammatical tool to save time, so I prefer that people use whatever comes most naturally to them.
As a nonbinary someone who accepts any/all I would say whatever comes naturally or is your preference. I've identified as agender since I was young and so personally I don't really like defining myself to other people in terms of gendered language. I would say if someone tells you their pronouns are any/all to trust them that they are actually fine with that.
Thanks, I do believe that they're fine with whatever pronouns I call them by, this was more of a me problem about not knowing what to actually call them in that case lol. Like paradox of choice kind of, except I also wonder about what my choice might indicate to them and whether I should randomise it or base it on something.
I'm tomboyish queer chick, probably wouldve seriously considered transitioning if born in later decades. Get called sir, man a lot. Doesn't bother me. I got used to playing mmorpgs, everyone is assumed to be male, I never took issue with it, sometimes had fun with it.
My understanding is... if you're a minority with special requests. You're gonna know people might be confused. Don't judge harshly. Give people a chance to understand. If you want to be referred to a certain way, it's up to you to say that up front. And be prepared not everyone will be receptive.
I'm not speaking for everyone, or people wanting any, all pronouns used. This is more for the people wanting to accommodate, worried they'll offend.
As an enby myself, I’d probably default to they/them but try to sprinkle in gendered pronouns when I saw them presenting more one way or another.
Depending on how close your relationship is, you can ask them if they have certain times that they prefer particular pronouns or not.
they them is basically always safe! If someone specifically requests against it then don't but they/them is what I always use if I don't know or have multiple options. All I might add is that a lot of queer people get tired of being only called their AGAB's pronouns, so maybe don't exclusively use those.
"They" is perfectly acceptable, in fact I've taken to writing work emails as such too. Because you can't always work it out through their name alone.
The real problem is not learning or correcting themselves when told.
"This is Alice, she...".
"Oh he is a nice pers...".
"She, mum".
Be open to correcting yourself when told, people are used to correcting people. But continually not correcting yourself makes you look like a bigot even if you don't mean it.
I'm a man, I give my pronouns as any/all, because I'm comfortable with all.
I have a coworker who only uses feminine pronouns for me, because that's what she uses for everyone, including herself. She is also a man. I also use feminine pronouns for myself sometimes, eg. when quoting something I find analogous to myself that was written using feminine pronouns.
Obviously both male and neutral pronouns are fine as well.
Gender is a social construct, and IMO most men who get offended by being referred to by feminine words do so because they really believe being a woman is lesser to being a man. I'm not about that.
