Every single woman I've been with since coming out as a lesbian, and being a woman, has treated me more masculine than I wanted them to. But the most recent date was something truly special. I was expected to act more masculine by her than by any straight woman I had ever been with pre transition.
She really thought I was her boyfriend. She did all of the classic things that f4m do on dates. She tried to attract my attention while simultaneously not looking at me or doing anything to make me feel wanted, let alone pretty. She moved away from my touch because she liked the feeling of me pulling her in. She let down her walls and expected me to pounce on her. At the end of our first date I told her how much I identify with femininity and hoped a second date would go better. It didn't go better.
And worst of all, she was trans! She absolutely no interest in my femininity while being a trans woman on a date with a trans woman! I trusted her because of our shared experiences and she made me feel dysphoric.
Part of this comes from me retaining a more masculine kind of physicality and attraction. I'm very visual and can get horny very quickly. My body can't hide its attraction either, people can tell when I want them. My experience of women is extra intense, and so is the way that I naturally kiss and touch them. Women really want to see me "take" them, and when I don't they think I'm innocent and infantilize me. They don't realize I have absolute control over myself and won't do a damn thing unless I feel safe. Because expressing anything masculine as a trans woman makes me feel vulnerable. Nothing feels worse than doing everything you can to make someone else feel pretty and beautiful and them not giving anything back. Not to mention how all this makes me feel like a threat to women, giving me intense paranoia around being seen that way.
People see me, 6'4, confident, cock, and make miles of assumptions about what I want. They stroke my ego instead of making me feel pretty. They expect me to take control. But, I don't want them to! My ideal partner is literally someone who makes me feel safe, taken care of, is affectionate, and tells me what to do! Being expected to take control by 80% of the people who are attracted to me stresses me the hell out! The physicality that makes them want me to take control is the same one that makes me want to give them control. If I just focus on doing what I'm told then I know I won't hurt anyone, and I won't get overwhelmed by experiencing their beauty and having to make decisions.
It feels like I'm not pretty enough for anyone to value that over my masculine traits. So that's how I get treated. Almost all of the women I've been with are bi. I think they find me attractive as a man and not a woman. I should really try and meet more lesbians but I think they find me threatening. Bi women are more used to people who experience attraction like I do, even if I see mine as nearly incomparable to men's. I'd love to meet another trans lesbian, as I literally never have, but we're probably 0.1% of the population.
Also I've had FFS, done voicework, done laser hair removal. I'm totally cis passing, even at 6'4. I can't imagine what this would be like if I was still early transition. All I can change is getting more feminine clothes, and doing more makeup.
TLDR: I've been depressed and dysphoric since a date last weekend where I was treated like a boyfriend. I'm struggling to express my sexuality amidst a sea of people who can't look past my height and genitals. I'm genuinely so torn up and its been so hard getting out of bed knowing that nobody wants me to feel pretty.
i fuckin feel you. the only dates with cis lesbians i had expected me to dick them down as some sort of curiosity.
and its not like im a dominant personality or anything. im fuckin tiny and i turn into jello whenever someone im interested in sternly looks at me. plus its fucking awful to have the assumption of (especially PIV) sex thrust onto you when they dont know anything about how your dysphoria manifests or potential ptsd histories (which, you know, you think women would be more aware of??).
lesbians have a toxic fucking culture towards trans people in general. between the gold stars, weird astrologists, and this, what are you supposed to do? im just glad im bi and found my bf, at least when going in person to date straight guys (which is a nightmare) they treat me 'like a woman'.
i know this is with another transbian but i had to go off. lesbians need therapy, or a transgender communist drill sergeant to yell at them about dating etiquette or some shit idfk.
i will say trans dating for me was generally positive, things amicably just didnt work out for a variety of reasons, maybe you had an unlucky experience? idfk, godspeed sister
People see me, 6'4, confident, cock, and make miles of assumptions about what I want. They stroke my ego instead of making me feel pretty. They expect me to take control. But, I don't want them to! My ideal partner is literally someone who makes me feel safe, taken care of, is affectionate, and tells me what to do!
and even bottoms can fucking do this AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
why dont people understand how to communicate?!Thanks for sharing your experience sweetie. They expected this from you???? I can tell how soft you are and all I can see is text! I'm really happy you found your BF.
My pet theory is that they are really excited to meet a woman who can "make them feel like a woman." Fuck them with a dick. All the patriarchal unlearning goes out the window.
The other option is that they just dont see themselves with someone trans long term. So they try to experiment with what excites them most.
The other other option is that trans people have way stronger vibes than cis people do, which is true. There are some straight trans women with weak vibes. But trans and gay? The cissies just get overwhelmed. (Im being serious)
Oh! My date was trans and bi. So transbians are clean. Its just unfortunate that the way most people find me attractive makes me dysphoric. Considering that I cis pass though there must be some cis women who get treated similar, at least initially.
I think I know what to look for in the future. As a man I only really got with the absolute hottest women, or the ones who accepted they had to initiate to make things happen. It has always taken a lot of confidence to be with me for reasons I dont understand. I guess I thought it wouldnt have to be the same in lesbian world, I find most queer women attractive after all.
Yeah I went on dates with tenish lesbians and so many were like this, so bewildering. Guess I'm an involuntary heterosexual 😔 (joking, love my bf so much wouldn't trade him for anything)
Wish you luck!
Even if your experiences are a terrible omen for me I still really appreciate you sharing them.
Thank you sweetie
