I think this is the first time I was crying in a dream, and woke up crying to since I guess I must of been crying in my sleep. It was a very vivid dream but I saw my dog in it, and I started to break down in it. Since in my dream he was alive and I thought I'd never see him in again. Yet there he was, alive as if nothing happened. I know it was a dream, and I must of realized it to.

I can't keep doing this anymore whether its all this grief from my dog or my mom, or stuff with my dad and his drinking, or like all sorts of stuff in the past that just there haunting. I just can't keep doing this anymore and I can't keep just hanging in there anymore. It is too much.

my dad was trying to stay sober again, since he was getting very sick again from his drinking, but today he relapsed. and he still doesn't want to get any help, and he most likely just gonna drink himself to death. and it doesn't matter what anyone says or does, he won't get help. and so he is likely just going to die one of these days from it. but he legit can't keep doing this, it is hurting him. more and more as time passes.

and why is that like,

It just doesn't end does it? around year and a half and here I am still getting deeply upset. it feels like everyone just has moved on and shit. yet I just feel like im left behind. and sometimes my dad talks about my mom as if she isn't dead. also didn't help they all just left me alone to deal with it to. and I still haven't visited my mom grave since her funeral.

and then there my dog. hardly a word from my siblings when my dog died, just nothing. then again what was I expecting. we weren't ever close. and with my mom gone, I am probably never going to see any of them again, definitely not my sister at least considering her husband threaten my dad. and not once but twice! I still remember the first, after I needed a ride from my dad after helping my mom, and her husband called just threatening him over the phone loudly. fuck him for that. fuck them both. fuck them fuck them fuck them.

and fuck my sister for thinking I didn't do enough for my mom. especially when it was her and her husband that added some difficultly helping her at times. because I don't have a car and needed my dad to drive me to my mom's place early in the morning. and besides my dad drinking and needing to go early before he started, there was the constant worry of hoping my sister or her husband weren't there be conflict with my dad and her husband.

I am trying to calm down and that also probably why im writing this to help. also pretty sure this isn't normal, to feel three of my five fingers on my right hand to suddenly get cold when I get very upset. but maybe it is, I don't know. I just don't know what to fucking do. I miss my dog, I miss my mom, even if things weren't always easy with her. but then again I get asked if I disown her. despite like fucking, trying my best to do what I could for my mom while juggling things with my dad while he also, almost drank himself to death. and just. fuck everything! fuck it all fuck it all fuck this shit.

I must not be doing too well than I thought, since I had a few dreams telling me not to kill myself. They were pretty vivid dreams to. Strange in a way since I never got dreams like that before, even when I tried an attempt about five years ago. Just note, I am fine minus like the above stuff.

my dad was very drunk when he talked about this, but he was talking to me about how strong I was and stuff. and I really don't like that? since he was just referring to me just handling things on my own. like my mom death. but I don't like it since is it really "strength" (whatever that means? I never understood it when people say that to others?) when like daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, I constantly want to kill myself. is that really "strength"? even more so when I stop bothering to take care of myself? or getting semi active sometimes in regards to that? maybe im just good at acting and fooling others.

but anyways just like. I just don't like it. I know my dad was just trying to like, compliment me. But I don't want to handle things by myself. Like I sometimes wanting to talk about things about my mom but can't, since I'm not close to my siblings, and my dad is just busy drinking a lot. and there just that lack of emotional connection? and familiarity? And either I write about it on here, or just, keep it. Or sometimes, maybe I just want to be cry and be hugged? Not just cry all alone over and over and hide it. This is making me remember something my mom said where she happy I was still around. she was also really happy that I also didn't drink or smoke. Since my family deals with substance abuse. I sometimes do think about it, but I imagine it maybe just comes from my parents? I'm not sure why I bring it up, maybe its because sometimes I think about it, to self medicate, but it's nothing more than a passing thought.

I guess another part im writing is I found an old printed photo of my dog while digging for a recipe my grandma gave, And now that photo is at my small memorial for my dog. Next to my mom small memorial to. But it has a little of her stuff. I really didn't get a chance to get like much of my mom things because my siblings just wanted to move fast when it came to my mom's death affairs. I didn't really get a chance to get any pictures. The only thing I have is just her obituary page with a photo of her. Also lately I just been thinking about my mom to, how like I can talk to her without issues since she generally understood what I was saying, since speech issues. It just lonelier, and I can't really talk to my dad when he drunk a lot. At least he does understand me usually. And outside of that, there just nowhere to go really and it feels like people don't have much patience to deal with me due to said issues. Just alone and alone.

Also speaking of this stuff, it still makes me mad one of my siblings got mad at me when my mom was alive for not doing enough in 2023. when I was not only juggling trying to take care of my mom, but also my dad because he legit almost drank himself to death around that time to. like shaking a lot since he wasn't eating, vomiting, and yet just drinking more and more. but sure whatever. I guess I didn't do enough for my mom. it's not as if I wasn't the one who immediately push to get her to an ambulance and to get her to the hospital, when finally having the chance to see her. since my siblings clearly didn't, and when I saw her, something was just wrong. and I still don't know how to put that feeling into words? just seeing her and just immediately knowing something was very wrong. also it was painful to get her to the hospital because my mom was saying a bunch of things like how we were just trying to put her into a nursing home and take all her stuff, and actively fighting against going to the emergency room. but I think that was just the effect of sepsis, she did also apologize to when she was finally at the hospital.

sorry I feel like I'm all over the place in this. anyways it just sort of like. Where do I even go anymore? I don't know where to go from any of this. I'm just here, existing, and I guess that somehow gets seen as strength. just floating in no particular direction while life goes by. and in a way just wishing for something, a life line, a reason, to just keep going no matter how aimless it feels. Yet in another way, just wishing to bring this limbo to an end. I do know it can't go on forever, but sometimes it does feels like it never ends. just here, existing another day.

venting and too tired to since I haven't sleep in more than a day. but I was about to sleep, but, my dad put something in the oven. and he passed out from his drinking. and now I have to wait before sleeping so that food he is making is done. so I can take it out. so he doesn't burn the house down while im asleep.

I am underweight at like 93lbs? something like that, and I am not healthy at times. Since I also don't work out and eat terrible or not eating at times. It seems ridiculous reasoning that anyone skinny is like that because they work out or eat right.