Melonsman [he/him]

  • 3 Posts
  • 22 Comments
Joined 4 years ago
cake
Cake day: July 29th, 2020

help-circle



  • I can very much relate. It was like this constant depression that felt endless even though there were short breaks of feeling okay. I felt alien and very different to “normal” functioning people and basically lived exactly how you described.

    Eventually I stumbled upon someone talking about CPTSD or complex post traumatic stress disorder, it’s basically like ptsd but caused by chronic repeated traumatic events. A lightbulb went off as I learned more about it and I realized that I was in deep denial about being abused and neglected as a kid. I basically internalized what I was told growing up about being lazy, ungrateful, ect. There was also a lot of physical abuse for disappointing my parents so I became obsessed with all the ways I wasn’t good enough. In a fucked up way it kept me safe as a powerless kid. Criticizing myself viscously allowed me to get ahead of what my dangerous parents wanted and put energy into heading it off before things blew up. It was a survival mechanism that was killing me in adulthood.

    Obviously I don’t know if you have similar experiences but the way you talk about yourself rings a bell for me, and as lame as it sounds learning to care about and love myself somewhat has been the only way I’ve made any progress towards being happier. When you start to have empathy for yourself you start to want to do all those things to take care of yourself.

    All that being said even if you don’t relate to this at all therapy or some kind of mental health assistance is probably the way. Also sorry if this makes you uncomfortable or comes off as armchair diagnosis but I’m passionate about it because I wish the info was available to me before I spent my twenties in self hatred. As it turns out most people are not this hard on themselves and I had no clue. Wishing you well ❤️



  • I do this as well and for me personally it was because I was in denial about my bad childhood. Basically my parents were dangerous and unpredictable and fawning over them made them more manageable. Now my brain equates being liked to safety so I always try too hard in social settings. I’ve been working on it but pretty sure I need therapy too lol




  • Melonsman [he/him]
    hexagon
    tomentalhealthEverything is falling apart
    ·
    3 years ago

    It’s hard to remember when you’re depressed that you deserve to be happy but you’re right. Thanks for the drug test idea, my plan is to have her tested and go from there. It’s the only way I could trust her again since lying is like breathing for her. And yeah addiction is awful, both my parents struggle with it and I feel like I’m always cleaning up after them because of it. Thanks again for the advice, I really do appreciate it.


  • Melonsman [he/him]
    hexagon
    tomentalhealthEverything is falling apart
    ·
    3 years ago

    Thank you for that. I struggle a lot with my self worth and feeling like I’m not doing enough so I really appreciate it. And I think you’re right, I think therapy would help me to make sense of this better. I’d be open to some kind of family therapy too but it’d be like pulling teeth to get my brother and mom to actually go. Still I could try. Thanks for the advice 🙂


  • Melonsman [he/him]
    hexagon
    tomentalhealthEverything is falling apart
    ·
    3 years ago

    I’m not sure if she would have somewhere else to go honestly. I guess I could take my bro and leave but she’d be homeless pretty quick since our landlord is a terror. I did confront her about what I found and she denied it all and said it was her boyfriend’s. I don’t really believe her since her behavior matched other times I’ve caught her in the past. The only thing I can think to do is get one of those home drug test and see what it says. I can’t think of any other way to know for sure if she is lying. I think I probably just want it not to be true so badly that I’m using that as an excuse to stall actually doing something about it…

    This all sucks but I appreciate everything you said, it makes me feel a little better to know someone cares even a little. Thanks comrade 🥲