2018 Candidates of Note SEGA Dylan Sled (D) Pennsylvania -Unemployed college dropout -Heard about UBI on a podcast and went "oh what sick" -Free college, free healthcare, free Shmurda -Vastly more qualified than 99% of congress Dresden Norris (l) Washington -Spends 5 hours a day on twitter -Vows to have the rest of congress executed if elected -Encyclopedic knowledge of foreign policy but doesn't know what a filibuster is Skum Shitt (R) N. Carolina -Nazi Norm Respectable (R) Montana -Nazi

Midterm elections are coming up! Keep your eyes on these rising stars! 2018 Election Candidates of Note Wiezel Snrat (R) New York -Principled lawyer -Main principle is to only defend rapists Stewart Paul (R) Ohio -Libertarian, but also wants to use taxpayer money to find and kill his ex-wife Jilliam Drilnt (D) California -Founder of a startup that sends underprivileged youth to fight in the IDF Numbers Fuckstein (D) Maryland -Just wants to fuck around with tax credits and shit to see what happens

2018 Candidates of Note Dorian Salazar-O'Malley (D) Michigan -Community organizer -Highly unusual candidate; exhibits qualities of a member of the fabled 'White Working Class' but isn't white -FiveThirtyEight.com rates him 'most likely to end up mysteriously dead a week before the election Holden Bloodfeast (R) lowa -118 years old -Please god just let us nuke Iran, nothing else matters, I'll do anything please I just want to see burning flesh one last time before I die -Respectable bipartisan Sexx Tricker (1) Florida -Oh my god is that his real name -Holy shit elect him -Hahaha what the fuck is going on Hillary (D) who cares -Awww cmon not again -Only lost the election because her controller was broken -Third times the charm