It's ruining my life. And the irony is it's the only way to dissociate from bad things. At least it seems like that's the only way. Feels like the snake that eats its own tail.
Edit: thank you all for the good advice and support. It means a lot. I love my comrades. 
Do you think you need rehab? I've been to numerous rehabs for my drinking. I found medication helped because I was drinking to cope with mental health issues brought on by stressors in my life.