And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
It is mostly due to depression and having very little confidence in what people often call "Critical Thinking Skills" And I know that, when I read something, I am literal minded due to autism, so I often make incorrect conclusions, unless I am told outright what the intended message was.
Check out c/neurodiverse if you haven't already
A lot of leftist theory is academic is tone. Quite suitable for a reader that prefers literal and technical writing
Fuck those people for making you feel that way. I felt a similar way when presented with "theory" as a whole. Some (most) of it needs to be read multiple times and possibly with a companion guide of some sort to understand imo. Anybody who pretends to understand complex archaic language without historical context without re-reading lines multiple times is either a genius or fooling themselves.
Me reading the first chunk of State and Revolution, not knowing who any of the people Lenin was criticizing are:
Fr. Capital and Lenin's works are probably two of the harder reads both for different reasons. Capital is long, weirdly worded, and boring enough that you worry you're gonna miss the insights that make it worth reading. Lenin is the opposite. Very interesting, much easier to understand language, but so fast paced that my brain periodically needed to stop and go back to reread some stuff I missed. Didn't help that I knew very little about Soviet history then.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad for struggling. It's not an easy read, requires some discipline, and most people just educate themselves on shitposts anyway. Especially don't let that discourage you from reading. It really is beneficial imo, you won't regret doing it.
Oh, I definitely understand depression making it difficult. I used to have a lot of trouble keeping motivated for reading even for things I really enjoyed. What changed it for me was when I started having a long bus ride to and from work, which was an ideal time for me to read and kept me consistent. Maybe audiobooks would help?
As for drawing incorrect conclusions, I think as you learn more about history and political theory, it becomes easier to have confidence in your own understanding. There's no shame in needing help either! I saw some people already suggest companion pieces, which can make the more difficult theory easier to understand. There's also communities here and on Lemmygrad (like !asklemmygrad@lemmygrad.ml or !genzhou@lemmygrad.ml) where you can ask questions about things that confuse you, people are often happy to answer questions for those looking to learn. Something I think that could help too is reading a book written more recently as well, since they tend to use language that is easier for us to understand. A lot of the foundational Marxist works are very old, and personally I'm not sure about any good modern substitutes for them, but I'm sure there's stuff out there. Maybe someone else can chime in with suggestions.
Sorry if this response is overwhelming, I have a hard time judging that kind of thing and this is just something I get a little overzealous about.
check out channels like this one if you want to get some info in a more personal way : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPPZoYsfoSekIpLcz9plX1Q don't be worried about being literal minded or having incorrect conclusions, just study (reading, podcasts, audio books, whatever you prefer) to gather knowledge and find people to talk to about it and things will become more clear over time.
The early Red Menace episodes from RevLeft Radio that are meant to be companion pieces to some of the shorter foundational pieces of theory helped me out a lot when I was just starting to read theory:
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9VMwPK_SqUuE-DQkFtceSbIjE5dzN6QA
I would do the reading and then listen to the episode and it really gave me confidence that I was actually understanding what I was reading.