Anyone feeling like this once in a while?

I'm filled with such thoughts at least once a day if they are not repressed by distractors, and it's taking somewhat of a toll on my mental health. The distractors that is. They take me away not just from remembering but also from other tasks I should be doing, essentially freezing me or slowing me down to a snails pace.

Missing those feelings long gone by with my memories constantly tormenting me about a time that wasn't even that good, but a time I've felt loved. I'm used to them, but I don't know how long I can go with that. It's hard to work alone and it's painful to reminisce.

  • Łumało [he/him]@lemmygrad.ml
    ·
    11 months ago

    Thank you for your answer. This is clearly more than I could've asked for and so I dearly appreciate the effort.

    If we take it that you’re experiencing a sense of loss this will help frame the experience.

    Definitely how I've been feeling with it.

    This isn’t the same sort of [...] a break-up but the type of loss that you experience when you do something like remember back to when you were in school and you had a circle of friends and a rich social life

    This is longing for a relationship, which was toxic and ruining me but I for the first time in my life never really felt "alone". I've never had friends. Social reject and all that. Now I'm back to that state so nothing's really changed in the long run.

    So it’s a gnawing sense of loss rather than being wracked by an all-consuming grief, if that makes sense.

    Spot on. For some reason I just can't get over it. I'm contradicted between relief and grief from those experiences.

    Ultimately how you choose to understand this feeling of loss is personal and I don’t believe that you can just click your fingers and choose how to experience it but if you don’t allow yourself the opportunity to resolve this then it will persist in your life and potentially even start to take up more space until you are finally faced with the necessity of tackling it head-on.

    I'm trying, but It's not really working. I have a circle of a few close friends now, but it's not the same. I'm trying to reconcile by being as anti-toxic as I can, by fostering healthy relationships. But that just doesn't feel the same as someone who's that close to you.

    [...] it seems as though your avoidance is becoming counterproductive.

    It's also related to other problems, but this one keeps manifesting itself as soon as my mind is clear. Sometimes it even breaks through the cracks if something reminds me of those times.

    It’s a gradual process and you need to be gentle and forgiving with yourself through this but I’d encourage you to treat these reminiscences like you would a houseguest.

    They're not welcome, because they are conflicting. They bring me more sorrow and pain than positivity. I'd like them to leave but they've made themselves at home, they are a part of me.

    But you will have to make time for it at some point because if you try to put it off forever then it will kick down your door.

    I think it can't. Because it's already inside.

    I hope that you are able to find ways of allowing yourself the space to process these feelings and that you can come to a place where you are comfortable treating these feelings as welcome guests in your life, however that might look for you.

    Thank you for this post, it's got me thinking about my past but I can't find any words which would be perfect to describe these feelings and how they are even fighting within me. Your analysis wasn't spot on, but it was close enough I'd say. It pretty much explains how I should feel about it to come to terms with it and it gave me ideas on how to maybe make it work.

    • ReadFanon [any, any]
      ·
      11 months ago

      No worries!

      This extra context is really helpful for me to understand what you're going through.

      There's a lot contained in the two words 'toxic relationship'. I can't speak for your experience at all but I can speak more broadly.

      With some toxic relationships there's elements of trauma bonding and/or codependency that are very complex issues that take a lot of personal work to develop beyond which takes a whole lot more than what I'd be able to put to words in a reply. With trauma bonding it's about finding ways to process the trauma and finding ways to connect with people which aren't based on shared trauma. With codependency, it's about developing a sturdy, healthy sense of self and learning ways to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.

      In general though, toxic relationships tend to be really intoxicating; they have very high highs and the lows are even lower. Those extremes can be hard to come down from and it can really leave you feeling empty and craving for more of the exhilarating highs. I guess you could look at it like recovering from an addiction to any drugs that are uppers or like a bipolar person who is appropriately medicated; you aren't going to feel the highs that you used to. It's almost certain that you're going to miss them. But exhilaration is not the same thing as fulfillment.

      There are ways that you can still experience things that give you a sense of exhilaration in a relationship which is healthy, if you are missing that experience, but you probably aren't going to find a healthy replica of the toxic relationship that you used to have (if that makes sense).

      For people who had rough childhoods, these experiences can be really formative and they can characterise how you form relationships as an adult too.

      I guess what I'd do in your situation, with admittedly limited info, is I'd spend time on making my own life fulfilling outside of a relationship first. If this means having a degree of thrill-seeking to feel fulfilled then that's completely fine - embrace that and find outlets for this which are positive.

      I'd also spend time considering what needs that previous relationship met for me and I'd really thrash out what is important to me - exhilaration or stability and fulfillment. Not in a sort of way where I'm forcing myself to give the "right" answer either - I'd sit down and really work through all of it bit by bit until I can make better sense of what's important to me. Of course I'd also look at the negative impacts that previous relationship had (and continues to have) on me. With a good picture of the negatives and the positives from the previous relationship, it should help guide you to seek out something better next time around as well as informing what you might need to look for outside of a relationship as well.

      And maybe in the near future it isn't the right time for a long-term relationship anyway?

      You might find it meets your needs to have fun and seek out one-night stands and short flings rather than demanding that you settle down into a long-term thing. Sometimes having short-term relationships can really help you meet that need for excitement and to develop a good understanding of what you like in people and what you really want and don't want in a relationship.

      I think in time there will be opportunities for you to look back on this past relationship without the anguish you're feeling. Maybe you won't ever look back on it fondly but I have hope that you'll be able to resolve these conflicting feelings that you have about it right now.