Anyone feeling like this once in a while?
I'm filled with such thoughts at least once a day if they are not repressed by distractors, and it's taking somewhat of a toll on my mental health. The distractors that is. They take me away not just from remembering but also from other tasks I should be doing, essentially freezing me or slowing me down to a snails pace.
Missing those feelings long gone by with my memories constantly tormenting me about a time that wasn't even that good, but a time I've felt loved. I'm used to them, but I don't know how long I can go with that. It's hard to work alone and it's painful to reminisce.
Goddamn it, I've just spent the last two comments of mine playing at armchair paychologizing and now I come across this post? Lol. I'm going to develop a reputation if this keeps up...
I think what you're experiencing is in a sense a sort of mild, unprocessed grief. Or at least I think it's worth approaching it from that angle. (If we're going to dig right down into it, the much richer term sehnsucht fits here but I'm going to come off like such a pseud if I go down that path...)
If we take it that you're experiencing a sense of loss this will help frame the experience. This isn't the same sort of traumatic loss like the unexpected death of a loved one or a break-up but the type of loss that you experience when you do something like remember back to when you were in school and you had a circle of friends and a rich social life where you all experienced so much of life together and yet now you're working in a cubicle farm having superficial "How was your weekend?" conversations with coworkers and idle chit-chat with the grocery store staff member who is being polite and showing interest in you because it's their job, and this is the reality of your day-to-day social interactions.
So it's a gnawing sense of loss rather than being wracked by an all-consuming grief, if that makes sense.
People who have gone through a serious process of grief due to the death of a loved one will probably recognise that first form of grief as being the later stages of a grief process. And I think that fits, really.
Ultimately how you choose to understand this feeling of loss is personal and I don't believe that you can just click your fingers and choose how to experience it but if you don't allow yourself the opportunity to resolve this then it will persist in your life and potentially even start to take up more space until you are finally faced with the necessity of tackling it head-on.
How people process grief is very individual and there's no right way of going about it. Once you're an old hand at experiencing grief you tend to be more comfortable with the process because you know yourself better and, although every experience of grief will take on different characteristics, you tend to intuitively know your way through it a lot better and the knowledge that you've gotten through the previous episodes of grief steadies you through the present episode a lot too. Sort of like how a toddler will burst out crying over the smallest slight because that experience of hurt might be one of the first times they have ever experienced it - it might even be the very first time - but as you grow older you still feel that same feeling of hurt but the fact that you've been through this experience plenty of times before gives you a perspective that tends to smooth out the rough edges.
With that in mind, I think it's worth considering that you have the opportunity to relate differently to these experiences.
While at the moment you have indicated that you spend your time engaging in avoidance, which is completely understandable - one of our primary coping strategies is avoidance and there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it seems as though your avoidance is becoming counterproductive.
The upshot of this is that it might be worth exploring ways to respond to this experience differently with the view (not the expectation though) that by responding differently it will gradually open up opportunities to change how you relate to this experience. Apologies if this is too abstract btw.
It's a gradual process and you need to be gentle and forgiving with yourself through this but I'd encourage you to treat these reminiscences like you would a houseguest. Try to extend an attitude of hospitality towards this feeling and welcome it, if only a little. See what it brings for you. Allow it space and time but, like any houseguest, you don't have to let it into every room of your home and you don't have to give it run of the house. If it is being too pushy, you can ask it to leave. If it comes calling but now isn't a suitable time, you can tell it to come back later when you're able to make time for it. If you have had enough of its company, then it's okay to ask it to leave.
But you will have to make time for it at some point because if you try to put it off forever then it will kick down your door.
As for the how of processing the grief exactly, there's plenty of ways that people express their feelings in this process and either you will already know some of the ways that have worked for you from your prior experiences of grief or you'll be able to find tons of ideas for ways to process grief in articles and books so I won't condescend to tell you how that looks for you and I won't bore you (any more than I already have) by making a list.
Ultimately, a person who has resolved their experience of loss of a loved one will still find themselves reminded of those times they spent together but they tend to have a more neutral or even positive relationship to those reminders. Instead of feeling bereft or empty they might feel happy, worthy of love, valued, encouraged to seek out new experiences that fulfil this need in their life, or it might just be a fond memory that doesn't really have any influence on their present experience. Or all sorts of things.
I hope that you are able to find ways of allowing yourself the space to process these feelings and that you can come to a place where you are comfortable treating these feelings as welcome guests in your life, however that might look for you.
If we're going to dig right down into it, the much richer term sehnsucht
Huh, so that's why I'm in the top 1% of Rammstein listeners worldwide
But, seriously, thanks for sharing your insights, appreciate it
Thank you for your answer. This is clearly more than I could've asked for and so I dearly appreciate the effort.
If we take it that you’re experiencing a sense of loss this will help frame the experience.
Definitely how I've been feeling with it.
This isn’t the same sort of [...] a break-up but the type of loss that you experience when you do something like remember back to when you were in school and you had a circle of friends and a rich social life
This is longing for a relationship, which was toxic and ruining me but I for the first time in my life never really felt "alone". I've never had friends. Social reject and all that. Now I'm back to that state so nothing's really changed in the long run.
So it’s a gnawing sense of loss rather than being wracked by an all-consuming grief, if that makes sense.
Spot on. For some reason I just can't get over it. I'm contradicted between relief and grief from those experiences.
Ultimately how you choose to understand this feeling of loss is personal and I don’t believe that you can just click your fingers and choose how to experience it but if you don’t allow yourself the opportunity to resolve this then it will persist in your life and potentially even start to take up more space until you are finally faced with the necessity of tackling it head-on.
I'm trying, but It's not really working. I have a circle of a few close friends now, but it's not the same. I'm trying to reconcile by being as anti-toxic as I can, by fostering healthy relationships. But that just doesn't feel the same as someone who's that close to you.
[...] it seems as though your avoidance is becoming counterproductive.
It's also related to other problems, but this one keeps manifesting itself as soon as my mind is clear. Sometimes it even breaks through the cracks if something reminds me of those times.
It’s a gradual process and you need to be gentle and forgiving with yourself through this but I’d encourage you to treat these reminiscences like you would a houseguest.
They're not welcome, because they are conflicting. They bring me more sorrow and pain than positivity. I'd like them to leave but they've made themselves at home, they are a part of me.
But you will have to make time for it at some point because if you try to put it off forever then it will kick down your door.
I think it can't. Because it's already inside.
I hope that you are able to find ways of allowing yourself the space to process these feelings and that you can come to a place where you are comfortable treating these feelings as welcome guests in your life, however that might look for you.
Thank you for this post, it's got me thinking about my past but I can't find any words which would be perfect to describe these feelings and how they are even fighting within me. Your analysis wasn't spot on, but it was close enough I'd say. It pretty much explains how I should feel about it to come to terms with it and it gave me ideas on how to maybe make it work.
No worries!
This extra context is really helpful for me to understand what you're going through.
There's a lot contained in the two words 'toxic relationship'. I can't speak for your experience at all but I can speak more broadly.
With some toxic relationships there's elements of trauma bonding and/or codependency that are very complex issues that take a lot of personal work to develop beyond which takes a whole lot more than what I'd be able to put to words in a reply. With trauma bonding it's about finding ways to process the trauma and finding ways to connect with people which aren't based on shared trauma. With codependency, it's about developing a sturdy, healthy sense of self and learning ways to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.
In general though, toxic relationships tend to be really intoxicating; they have very high highs and the lows are even lower. Those extremes can be hard to come down from and it can really leave you feeling empty and craving for more of the exhilarating highs. I guess you could look at it like recovering from an addiction to any drugs that are uppers or like a bipolar person who is appropriately medicated; you aren't going to feel the highs that you used to. It's almost certain that you're going to miss them. But exhilaration is not the same thing as fulfillment.
There are ways that you can still experience things that give you a sense of exhilaration in a relationship which is healthy, if you are missing that experience, but you probably aren't going to find a healthy replica of the toxic relationship that you used to have (if that makes sense).
For people who had rough childhoods, these experiences can be really formative and they can characterise how you form relationships as an adult too.
I guess what I'd do in your situation, with admittedly limited info, is I'd spend time on making my own life fulfilling outside of a relationship first. If this means having a degree of thrill-seeking to feel fulfilled then that's completely fine - embrace that and find outlets for this which are positive.
I'd also spend time considering what needs that previous relationship met for me and I'd really thrash out what is important to me - exhilaration or stability and fulfillment. Not in a sort of way where I'm forcing myself to give the "right" answer either - I'd sit down and really work through all of it bit by bit until I can make better sense of what's important to me. Of course I'd also look at the negative impacts that previous relationship had (and continues to have) on me. With a good picture of the negatives and the positives from the previous relationship, it should help guide you to seek out something better next time around as well as informing what you might need to look for outside of a relationship as well.
And maybe in the near future it isn't the right time for a long-term relationship anyway?
You might find it meets your needs to have fun and seek out one-night stands and short flings rather than demanding that you settle down into a long-term thing. Sometimes having short-term relationships can really help you meet that need for excitement and to develop a good understanding of what you like in people and what you really want and don't want in a relationship.
I think in time there will be opportunities for you to look back on this past relationship without the anguish you're feeling. Maybe you won't ever look back on it fondly but I have hope that you'll be able to resolve these conflicting feelings that you have about it right now.
i think the time i ate the most mcdonalds in my life was when i was depressed and unemployed in my early 20s
There's an argument that we are nostalgic in no small part because our past contains our youth. If nothing else, you have less history to look back on when you're young and far more to look forward to simply because that's the nature of being a child. But also, a growing body has a lust for things that an aged body does not.
And time tends to soften the edges of a given moment. I can remember high school summers playing tennis with my teenage friends, having my first romance, and feeling the freedom of being a young adult without having to worry about my next shift at the deli counter or the angst of an on-again-off-again relationship or the burden of taking care of my aging mother and my kid sister. The stresses I felt at the age of 17 aren't present decades later. Meanwhile, the stress of my current age is all-too-present.
Also, I just don't watch as many ads as I used to. I can't help get the sense that this fed my desire for fast food. Eating french fries relieved a longer I was cultivating from accumulated ad exposure. Now that I'm not constantly watching McDs promos, I don't feel the urge to eat that crap.
Now that I'm not constantly watching McDs promos, I don't feel the urge to eat that crap.
Wish that were me, I avoid ads like the plague (and I'm glad that I do for other reasons to be clear), but I still eat like trash (not McDs but other similar garbage). I work from home and generally like to cook, but I basically never do it. Prolly once a week. Pretty sure I have a binge eating disorder but I hate psychologists too much to do anything professional-wise about it. I've been thinking about [insert fast food chain here] all morning even though it's kinda terrible and I just had it yesterday.
