anegosexuality is a flavor of asexual, according to the internet. it's when you find people attractive, and you have sexual thoughts and fantasies, but you don't actually want to fuck anyone. like, when a person's actually in front of you wanting to fuck you, your libido checks out and watches the situation in third person while you have no idea what to do with your hands and you're uncomfortable and you don't want to continue even though they're hot.

not just some of the time, not just when you're nervous. literally all the time.

personally? i fucking hate this.

like, fuck, full on asexual would be fine, and sexual would be fine, but this shit, this weird disembodied sexuality that wants nothing to do with me is so fucking frustrating. like, not to lose whatever sympathy i might have rn but i'm an attractive human and people tend to be game to fuck me, including a lot of people i find attractive, but i legit never feel a reciprocal urge to fuck anyone even when i find them attractive and they very clearly want to fuck me.

i also have the emotional/romantic version of this shit. i want to be close to people but when people are actually in front of me there's just a gulf i can't cross even when they obviously want to be close to me. i feel like my soul has no arms or legs. like... i'm this inert object with all these feelings trapped inside me, unable to move me.

there was no awful trauma i can pin this shit on. i have no idea why i'm like this. i just wish i weren't.