anegosexuality is a flavor of asexual, according to the internet. it's when you find people attractive, and you have sexual thoughts and fantasies, but you don't actually want to fuck anyone. like, when a person's actually in front of you wanting to fuck you, your libido checks out and watches the situation in third person while you have no idea what to do with your hands and you're uncomfortable and you don't want to continue even though they're hot.
not just some of the time, not just when you're nervous. literally all the time.
personally? i fucking hate this.
like, fuck, full on asexual would be fine, and sexual would be fine, but this shit, this weird disembodied sexuality that wants nothing to do with me is so fucking frustrating. like, not to lose whatever sympathy i might have rn but i'm an attractive human and people tend to be game to fuck me, including a lot of people i find attractive, but i legit never feel a reciprocal urge to fuck anyone even when i find them attractive and they very clearly want to fuck me.
i also have the emotional/romantic version of this shit. i want to be close to people but when people are actually in front of me there's just a gulf i can't cross even when they obviously want to be close to me. i feel like my soul has no arms or legs. like... i'm this inert object with all these feelings trapped inside me, unable to move me.
there was no awful trauma i can pin this shit on. i have no idea why i'm like this. i just wish i weren't.
your libido checks out and watches the situation in third person while you have no idea what to do with your hands and you’re uncomfortable and you don’t want to continue
I'm not a doctor but isn't this called like "derealization" or "dissociation"? Something like that. In high stress situations, it can feel like what you are experiencing is not real life.
This seems like something to talk to a professional doctor about.
unfortunately it happens even when i'm feeling relaxed. it's just like... sexual apathy that i can't turn off.
I deal with pretty much the same thing but it's just anxiety, drinking fixes it usually :deeper-sadness:
getting drunk does make me superficially sociable, but the shitty emotional distance and sexual apathy are still there underneath
tbh the emotional distance might just be some personality shit i could fix with therapy, but the sexual apathy is frustrating because it feels more hardwired into me somehow
I was thinking that this sounds like me in most social situations, and then I saw that your username mentions ADHD. It's that feeling of your brain trailing behind you like a balloon on a string, right? I've experienced a failure to click with people because just trying to stay focused on whatever situation is at hand takes up all of my effort.
I've thought about it myself, and I don't think I'm asexual. I guess I came to the reverse conclusion - not that I don't want to be with anyone, but that there is no one I want to be with.
yeah i've definitely felt that before, and it probably contributes to my situation
but even when i fantasize it's really hard to imagine myself as the protagonist
i just wish i understood how all this sex stuff is actually put together in the brain. then at least i would know which things are coupled to which other things, and be able to guess the extent to which i can realistically expect my sexuality to change as the rest of me changes. like, if i go through growth process A my sexuality will change in such and such a way, and if i go through growth process B my sexuality will change in some partially overlapping way, or whatever.
This does sound vaguely relatable to me tbh, though I haven't ever been in any situations where someone else was wanting to fuck me (at least not that I've noticed), so I can't really say if I have the same problem or not.
As for if it's permanent: Without doing any research into the topic, it does sound like something therapy might be able to help with, but obviously I don't know for sure. Regardless though, that sounds really frustrating and I wish you the best in figuring out how to deal with it. o7
This sounds really painful to deal with. I had never heard of anegosexuality -- it sounds like a curse. The fact that you have the emotional / romantic aspect of it sounds even more alienating from people. Are you able to maintain emotional intimacy with people at a distance, like through text and phone calls?
as soon as i'm no longer around someone, i tend to let the friendship fade away. i don't seek people out or maintain things online. i tend to feel guilty and regretful about this but i keep doing it anyway.
as soon as i’m no longer around someone, i tend to let the friendship fade away. i don’t seek people out or maintain things online. i tend to feel guilty and regretful about this but i keep doing it anyway.
Same, though weirdly enough I've never felt bad or guilty about doing this.
This made me think though, have you looked into executive function disorder? It's a major component of ADHD (though it seems people can also have it without having ADHD) that affects things like motivation, long term planning , thinking creatively, etc. I made a comment in the pinned venting thread that goes a bit into about how I feel it affects my ability to form relationships if you want to go read it, but I'm wondering whether your issues with you sexuality could be a result of executive functioning problems rather than as a result of your inherent sexuality.
You're obviously going to know better than me though, so I'm just throwing this out as a possibility, but this line of thinking is what led me to suggesting that therapy may be able to help in my other comment.
Edit: Also, if there's any time in the future where you need to vent about something but don't know where to do it, feel free to use the pinned monthly venting thread, even if the issue itself isn't strictly ND related.
You're obviously going to know better than me though
not necessarily lol. knowing better than me is a low, low bar.
anyway, i took a look at your comment in the pinned thread, and that shit's pretty relatable to me. impaired executive function almost certainly plays a role in whatever this shit is i'm experiencing
To expand on my comment in the venting thread a little, I relate to the "being attracted to people but unable to do anything about it" part of you post pretty heavily. Personally, I mostly see this as an executive functioning problem since I think it comes down to my brain being unable to form the motivation required to overcome the various barriers needed to get into a relationship with someone. 'Cause I certainly had very strong crushes on girls in high school and fantasized about being in relationships with them, but I was never able to connect my desires with my ability to take action.
It's worth noting though, and this is important as to why I think my problems stem from executives functioning problems and not my sexuality, I have very similar problems in acting on non-sexual and non-relationship related desires as well. The example that comes to mind for me personally is DJing. It's something I've wanted to do since middle school, but like with my relationship related desires, I was never able to connect those desires with my ability to act upon them. After nearly a decade of fantasizing about it though, I finally got my first DJ controller last month, but the reason I finally acted upon that desire didn't come down to finally building up courage, or feeling comfortable about my desires or anything like that. It was a purely impulsive "fuck it why not" type of spur of the moment decision to get one. And I've been having loads of fun with learning how to DJ over the past month, but if it wasn't for a random ADHD induced impulse decision, I wouldn't have actually acted upon that desire.
The impulsive decision making part should function as a bit of a disclaimer though, 'cause ADHD and EFD make it much easier to impulsively act on desires. So while I can relate to your post when it comes to "being attracted to people but unable to do anything about it," I've never really experienced any situations where I could make split second impulse decisions about forming relationships. The closest I've gotten was one time in high school where a girl I was friends with and who I wouldn't have minded dating asked me to a school dance. She did it very suddenly in a way that didn't seem all that serious, and the type of dance she asked me to was one I definitely didn't want to go to, so I said no. I did consider saying yes, partly on a purely impulsive basis and partly because it was the first time since 6th grade that someone had explicitly shown any interest in me, but it wasn't exactly like I wanted to say yes and couldn't.
So overall, my feeling is that it would be much easier for me to start a relationship if I was able to do it off of impulsive decision making (as in if someone asked me out on a proper date, or came up to me and said they wanted to have sex with me). Obviously I don't know for sure since I've never been in a situation like that, but I feel like that's one area where I may differ from you.
very strong crushes
we're a bit different here. i've only ever had really subtle ones, subtle enough that like... never seeing them again wouldn't have upset me.
which is kinda frightening. because like, i want to meet someone and get married at some point in my life, and how's that shit gonna happen if it doesn't start with a crush? the closest thing i get to an intense wanting-to-be-around-someone feeling is when i meet someone i think is really smart or unique in a way i want to understand. consciously or subconsciously, i start trying to pick apart what gives them that interesting edge, until some part of me is satisfied and gets bored of them and drags the rest of me away from them like i'm an inert sack of shit.
For what it's worth, I haven't crushed on anyone that hard since I graduated high school, so a lot of that could've just been down to teenage hormones.
