anegosexuality is a flavor of asexual, according to the internet. it's when you find people attractive, and you have sexual thoughts and fantasies, but you don't actually want to fuck anyone. like, when a person's actually in front of you wanting to fuck you, your libido checks out and watches the situation in third person while you have no idea what to do with your hands and you're uncomfortable and you don't want to continue even though they're hot.
not just some of the time, not just when you're nervous. literally all the time.
personally? i fucking hate this.
like, fuck, full on asexual would be fine, and sexual would be fine, but this shit, this weird disembodied sexuality that wants nothing to do with me is so fucking frustrating. like, not to lose whatever sympathy i might have rn but i'm an attractive human and people tend to be game to fuck me, including a lot of people i find attractive, but i legit never feel a reciprocal urge to fuck anyone even when i find them attractive and they very clearly want to fuck me.
i also have the emotional/romantic version of this shit. i want to be close to people but when people are actually in front of me there's just a gulf i can't cross even when they obviously want to be close to me. i feel like my soul has no arms or legs. like... i'm this inert object with all these feelings trapped inside me, unable to move me.
there was no awful trauma i can pin this shit on. i have no idea why i'm like this. i just wish i weren't.
we're a bit different here. i've only ever had really subtle ones, subtle enough that like... never seeing them again wouldn't have upset me.
which is kinda frightening. because like, i want to meet someone and get married at some point in my life, and how's that shit gonna happen if it doesn't start with a crush? the closest thing i get to an intense wanting-to-be-around-someone feeling is when i meet someone i think is really smart or unique in a way i want to understand. consciously or subconsciously, i start trying to pick apart what gives them that interesting edge, until some part of me is satisfied and gets bored of them and drags the rest of me away from them like i'm an inert sack of shit.
For what it's worth, I haven't crushed on anyone that hard since I graduated high school, so a lot of that could've just been down to teenage hormones.