Hand make and write a card. You seem to have enough positive feelings towards the gentleman, considering you took the time to write out this post. Do a silly drawing, leave the front blank, do whatever. But on the inside just be blunt: Hey Dad, You’ve do so much for me and I’m grateful. I mean, not exactly that. But be frank.
I have bought my father gifts, made him incredibly nice things (I’m an all hand tool woodworker, so on top of the actual thing, there’s the time it takes to find rough lumber, cut it down, smooth it, layout pieces, hand saw joints, glue up, and the long process of doing the finishing by hand. It takes awhile when you don’t use sandpaper or electricity), given gift cards, donated money in his name... everything. But when I was helping my dad move, I learned he kept every single card I wrote him. And the ones that were handmade were the most “protected” of the bunch. The Hallmark envelopes were haphazardly stacked near the ribbon bound cards going back to before I could spell properly. Btw, my Dad and I have a very juvenile relationship. So I made a snarky comment about the “queer-ass” ribbon he kinda did one of those “freeze up” faces. And his eyes welled up and he said that those were the most important personal possessions he has. Just even thinking about them makes him tear up. It’s nuts. Now, not everyone is the same, your mileage may vary, etc... but a piece of folded up printer paper (cards I made at a young age) with some words on it meant everything to him... its crazy. (And frustrating, Hey Dad! I spent 80+ hours on a set of bedside tables that match your bed frame exactly! It took 3 months to find the right wood! I almost cut off the tip of my finger with a razor sharp chisel! - that is equal to - I love you dad on an otherwise blank page...)
Or you can buy him a Hustler magazine and a six pack of Schlitz Tall Boys. Maybe a lotto card and gas station cigar if you’re swimming in cash.
words mean nothing
they should mean something coming from his kid, right? I'd be happy if someone remembered my birthday
how about making him a card?
He's not disappointed in you, he loves you. Just be present and there it will mean a lot to any good dad.
:Care-Comrade:
wtf dont say that ur literally pirating a show to watch with your dad that rocks
Yeah you've got it backwards. The gift (even a well-thought one) is the unimportant part. Remembering and caring enough to wish him well despite your own hangups about adequacy and money is the part that matters. If he cares about you that will be more than enough, and even more than that if you explain that it doesn't feel great to not have a gift for him. He'll understand.
For what it's worth, just about everybody below a certain income level experiences this form of alienation at one point in their lives or another. Parenting is a lot of work, and even reliably having a gift for them every year can feel like a deeply inadequate gesture. What is never, ever inadequate though, is sitting down and expressing your feelings.
if you're bad at cooking or doing crafts (like me) you can offer to do an activity together or take him somewhere if you drive. even just hanging out with him could mean a lot.
our loved ones are our loved ones because of a bond, not because of any "usefulness" they might represent to us.much love, OP :Care-Comrade:
Don't think of how "useful" you are to people you love and who love you. That's the mindset of my own father - and he's an abusive racist, borderline fascist. He sees everything in terms of utility and has never had a relationship he didn't view as a transaction. Don't take that tack - it's toxic af and destroys relationships.
Just be there in the moment with him, and try to enjoy life with him. Unless your dad is like mine, he will appreciate that more than any notion of how "useful" you are.
Edit: think of something you both enjoyed doing in the past. Maybe some cherished memory you can recreate, or make something special for him. Even if you suck at whatever it is, he will recognize the effort and appreciate it
Some times spending time can be enough, also comrade you are not a loser. I think you and me similar cuz we both lumpy. You're value is not based on money or status you cool comrade :meow-hug:
:Care-Comrade: sorry I cant really tell you anything more helpful, I come from a family that doesnt exchange a lot of gifts.
A couple cool looking bookmarks you make yourself, maybe by combining bits of family history, cooking something.
Thoughts and heart matter the most.
Depending what your parent is like, calling > not calling at all. OR, buy him useless junk gifts for a couple years in a row and eventually he'll just say, "It's okay, you don't have to buy me a gift this year"
I don't know him, but I'd be much happier to receive thoughtful and loving words than gifts. Maybe write out a long form message for him. Tell him about your memories of him that make you smile. Sharing a nice experience like that together will probably mean more to him than getting a couple of books!