Lousy. Worse than I was doing last week, which is worse than I was doing last month, which is worse than I was doing last year.
I have nothing except despair for the future. I can barely even speak to the people who are 'close' to me anymore because they just don't want to hear it. Empathy? Comfort? They are empty notions to me -- people give me a little bit but when it becomes clear that they haven't solved the problem within the course of three 15 minute conversations I can feel their calculus change. They try to waterboard me with solutions when I just want to fucking talk.
"Don't be a downer." "I wish you were happier." "You seem like a machine fueled by paranoia." -- that one really fucking hurt because it came from someone close to me. I'm afraid I'm ND and to be described as a machine... fucking ouch.
It is becoming increasingly clear that there is nowhere I will fit in. I can pretend for a little while but it's frustrating and exhausting. People only want to be around me as long as I gratify their egos. I envy the dead.
Lousy. Worse than I was doing last week, which is worse than I was doing last month, which is worse than I was doing last year.
I have nothing except despair for the future. I can barely even speak to the people who are 'close' to me anymore because they just don't want to hear it. Empathy? Comfort? They are empty notions to me -- people give me a little bit but when it becomes clear that they haven't solved the problem within the course of three 15 minute conversations I can feel their calculus change. They try to waterboard me with solutions when I just want to fucking talk.
"Don't be a downer." "I wish you were happier." "You seem like a machine fueled by paranoia." -- that one really fucking hurt because it came from someone close to me. I'm afraid I'm ND and to be described as a machine... fucking ouch.
It is becoming increasingly clear that there is nowhere I will fit in. I can pretend for a little while but it's frustrating and exhausting. People only want to be around me as long as I gratify their egos. I envy the dead.