Hormones are a fucking trip! I've been off T since my hysterectomy in early April as a bit of an experiment to see if I can live without being on a prescription medication for the rest of my life. (And jabbing needles into my stomach every week also sucks.) It's becoming increasingly clear I cannot.
The first month or so I didn't feel much different, then my skin and hair started softening and my mood took a huge nosedive and I felt the worst dysphoria I've ever experienced. I also started to have terrible hot flashes. I decided to stay off T a while longer because the hot flashes suggested to me my body probably was still getting used to not having exogenous sex hormones and I hoped my mood and dysphoria would improve.
Well, they have improved, but not as much as I'd like. The hot flashes are (mostly) gone, but my fat is racing to redistribute itself and my hair and skin have never been softer. The belly and leg hair I love so much is getting thinner and lighter and my face and hands are already softening and feminizing. Physically, this sucks.
Mentally, it also sucks. It feels like there's a very thin grey veil between me and the world. My main emotion now is one that's half rage and half sadness/despair. I haven't felt this particular shitty emotion so strongly since puberty. It feels like I'm back in middle school, gritting my teeth constantly, unable to relax in any meaningful way, feeling rage at the tiniest inconveniences, and yet on the verge of tears constantly. I'd forgotten how bad this was.
Then there's my libido, which is confusing the shit out of me. (This next bit is all kinds of NSFW, read on at your peril.)
I've always been horny, my whole life. It got a little more intense on T, but frankly not that much, I just enjoyed orgasms so much more. I actually had fewer of them, because they were stronger and actually fucking satisfying for once in my life. Well, that satisfaction is gone. I'm just horny all the time, but not in a good way. Not even in a way that makes me want to do anything about it. Like, I have zero desire for sex, fucking none, and sex (and masturbating) have been one of the joys of my life. Physically, my genitals are like, "hey, touch us", but my mind is like "you know it won't help, it just sucks". So here we are. I haven't cum in days, because why? Why even bother? I'll just live with this genital ache that doesn't even really feel good, even though it should, I usually love edging and denial.
So yeah, I think it's time to conclude this experiment and get myself back on T since my body (and mind) clearly prefers that. It sucks though, I don't want to pay money just to stab myself in the stomach every week.
Isn't it just? I was writing that bit about my body hair getting lighter and thinner and my skin and hair softening and I'm just like, trans women love this part, I know they do. Being trans is fucking wild.
Yeah, the gel has various other problems though, and it's more expensive. The needles aren't honestly too bad, I just have a beer before I do it and we're all good.
Hormones are a fucking trip! I've been off T since my hysterectomy in early April as a bit of an experiment to see if I can live without being on a prescription medication for the rest of my life. (And jabbing needles into my stomach every week also sucks.) It's becoming increasingly clear I cannot.
The first month or so I didn't feel much different, then my skin and hair started softening and my mood took a huge nosedive and I felt the worst dysphoria I've ever experienced. I also started to have terrible hot flashes. I decided to stay off T a while longer because the hot flashes suggested to me my body probably was still getting used to not having exogenous sex hormones and I hoped my mood and dysphoria would improve.
Well, they have improved, but not as much as I'd like. The hot flashes are (mostly) gone, but my fat is racing to redistribute itself and my hair and skin have never been softer. The belly and leg hair I love so much is getting thinner and lighter and my face and hands are already softening and feminizing. Physically, this sucks.
Mentally, it also sucks. It feels like there's a very thin grey veil between me and the world. My main emotion now is one that's half rage and half sadness/despair. I haven't felt this particular shitty emotion so strongly since puberty. It feels like I'm back in middle school, gritting my teeth constantly, unable to relax in any meaningful way, feeling rage at the tiniest inconveniences, and yet on the verge of tears constantly. I'd forgotten how bad this was.
Then there's my libido, which is confusing the shit out of me. (This next bit is all kinds of NSFW, read on at your peril.)
I've always been horny, my whole life. It got a little more intense on T, but frankly not that much, I just enjoyed orgasms so much more. I actually had fewer of them, because they were stronger and actually fucking satisfying for once in my life. Well, that satisfaction is gone. I'm just horny all the time, but not in a good way. Not even in a way that makes me want to do anything about it. Like, I have zero desire for sex, fucking none, and sex (and masturbating) have been one of the joys of my life. Physically, my genitals are like, "hey, touch us", but my mind is like "you know it won't help, it just sucks". So here we are. I haven't cum in days, because why? Why even bother? I'll just live with this genital ache that doesn't even really feel good, even though it should, I usually love edging and denial.
So yeah, I think it's time to conclude this experiment and get myself back on T since my body (and mind) clearly prefers that. It sucks though, I don't want to pay money just to stab myself in the stomach every week.
it's weird that one person's horror story is like...another person's dream.
Isn't it just? I was writing that bit about my body hair getting lighter and thinner and my skin and hair softening and I'm just like, trans women love this part, I know they do. Being trans is fucking wild.
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Yeah, the gel has various other problems though, and it's more expensive. The needles aren't honestly too bad, I just have a beer before I do it and we're all good.
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