Permanently Deleted
Uncritical support to the little brown rabbit that's methodically eating everything in my landlord's vegetable garden rn
My roommate is gaming and i can hear him losing from the other side of the apartment
Hormones are a fucking trip! I've been off T since my hysterectomy in early April as a bit of an experiment to see if I can live without being on a prescription medication for the rest of my life. (And jabbing needles into my stomach every week also sucks.) It's becoming increasingly clear I cannot.
The first month or so I didn't feel much different, then my skin and hair started softening and my mood took a huge nosedive and I felt the worst dysphoria I've ever experienced. I also started to have terrible hot flashes. I decided to stay off T a while longer because the hot flashes suggested to me my body probably was still getting used to not having exogenous sex hormones and I hoped my mood and dysphoria would improve.
Well, they have improved, but not as much as I'd like. The hot flashes are (mostly) gone, but my fat is racing to redistribute itself and my hair and skin have never been softer. The belly and leg hair I love so much is getting thinner and lighter and my face and hands are already softening and feminizing. Physically, this sucks.
Mentally, it also sucks. It feels like there's a very thin grey veil between me and the world. My main emotion now is one that's half rage and half sadness/despair. I haven't felt this particular shitty emotion so strongly since puberty. It feels like I'm back in middle school, gritting my teeth constantly, unable to relax in any meaningful way, feeling rage at the tiniest inconveniences, and yet on the verge of tears constantly. I'd forgotten how bad this was.
Then there's my libido, which is confusing the shit out of me. (This next bit is all kinds of NSFW, read on at your peril.)
I've always been horny, my whole life. It got a little more intense on T, but frankly not that much, I just enjoyed orgasms so much more. I actually had fewer of them, because they were stronger and actually fucking satisfying for once in my life. Well, that satisfaction is gone. I'm just horny all the time, but not in a good way. Not even in a way that makes me want to do anything about it. Like, I have zero desire for sex, fucking none, and sex (and masturbating) have been one of the joys of my life. Physically, my genitals are like, "hey, touch us", but my mind is like "you know it won't help, it just sucks". So here we are. I haven't cum in days, because why? Why even bother? I'll just live with this genital ache that doesn't even really feel good, even though it should, I usually love edging and denial.
So yeah, I think it's time to conclude this experiment and get myself back on T since my body (and mind) clearly prefers that. It sucks though, I don't want to pay money just to stab myself in the stomach every week.
Hunt for remaining HS top three operatives ongoing.
10/25
The fallout settles.
-FEW
Forgive me hexbear for I am become gamer. Got the old squad from college back together and tried out these new fangled battle royales. We got our shit kicked in by teenagers repeatedly but man we had a blast trying. Feels good playing with the homies again :comfy-cool:
I would kill for permanent employment. the longest I've ever had a job for is a year. how the fuck are you supposed to do anything when you don't know if you'll have a job in 6 months? because I always feel like I can't spend anything knowing that in 4 months time that night out I spend £60 on might be the difference between making rent or not when I'm out of work. I'm considering just getting a courier job because as shitty as uber eats or deliveroo might be, at least people are still gonna be ordering food on them in 6 months time
woo! getting to play a pretty big festival in town in a month. lets go
Black leggings, cute tube top, cropped jacket. Dressed to kill and ready for trouble 💅🏻 First bar crawl in ages coming up :meow-bounce:
Once the person driving us actually arrives :meow-bug:
