Figured I'd talk rn while I feel like the ground pulled apart under me in a way positive and odd. So recently, like 5 minutes ago, found out my sister bought a car to drive herself to work and I'm happy for her but feeling weird.
No secret that I'm neet and live at home. I guess to put it simply I've tied my self-esteem in what I could do for others. One where the transactional nature of capitalism is based on. I get love only so long as I'm useful to those around me and no love otherwise. This of course a ridiculous standard I would never hold to other people but one I can't shake off myself so easily.
Was the driving tough yeah but I was getting used to it. Same with the need of postponing drink or other activities so as to be useful in driving my sister where she was needed.
Now though, I feel as though I lost something and I feel a sense of sadness and dread. Brain is meh but I feel it in my stomach.
I know there is still more to do around the house but the question comes do I do it because it needs to be done or to preserve the other esteem that this patriarchal system as instilled in me. I've heard the term other esteem once to mean a self esteem rooted in other people or external and thought it would fit here.
Normally I'd try not to think about but I know if left unaired this will fester. I also have the duty of being some kind of role model here now that I'm a mod. To this end I shall be more open with my emotions and encourage other masc comrades to do the same here.
I would like to here what my masc comrades thoughts on being needed and doing stuff. Tell me your thoughts, feelings, and anything you always wanted to say but were too afraid to. I'm new at this but will try my best to respond with empathy and understanding because we all need it :hug
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be wanted/needed. It is the price we have to pay as Masc. people for that feeling that weighs so heavily as a psycho spiritual burden. That weight is without question heavy enough to be crushing so many of us as a direct result of capitalism and patriarchy.
It is the conflict between what most men want to do and what we must do to generate enough capital to deserve being wanted/needed that grinds the hope and belief in anything beyond the value form out of us. Like water being wrung from a towel. You can’t get it all out, but what’s left behind just grows mildew and makes us stink.
Comrade your story here says so much about the burden of masculinity that we are all left to unpack and try and cleanse from the wretched stench left by those before us. Your sister needed you before you had a car and she will surely need you again even if you can’t drive her. The car being a pre-requisite for you to even allow yourself to feel that need is exactly the kind of spiritual blindness that patriarchal masculinity enforces on us with its vision of men as “providers”
I was fired not long ago, and I had been in a position before that where I was being the “provider” for my partner and my ego was loving it. It feels genuinely great to be able to contribute something to your household. Being fired and having my partner and I unexpectedly shoved into financial insecurity hurt my masculinity more than I could imagine because it wasn’t just about me.
But here’s the thing, it also kind is about you and that’s what’s so sneaky about patriarchy. I had so readily jumped into a position where I was responsible for mine and my partners security because it let me love myself in a way That it’s hard to even allow myself to. But the insidious thing is that it’s kinda selfish to need that to feel good about yourself. You don’t need people who depend on you (especially financially) to be a man. Someone needing you and you being able to meet that need is a blessing, not a token for ones ego.
As a neurodiverse person I learned at a young age that I would be a ball of nerves and depression forever if I tied my self worth as a person too closely to my ability to accumulate capital. So I don’t and I don’t think I knew when I first decided that how much it would also protect me from a lot of the worst brain mold of capitalism and patriarchy. I am also chronically low achieving as a result of that, but hey, in a more just world cooks and mechanics would have healthcare and a roof and more fair share of the surplus value they generate. Just never forget to keep that separation up, you have enormous worth as a person, we all do, especially when we act collectively. There is enormous need for people like us, masc. or otherwise. Your comrades need you. And your family does too. And we all want you to be well and pursuing what makes you happy.
And Thanks for modding this community. This is my favorite space on this site and I see some of the most thoughtful and thought provoking stuff here that really gives me hope for a stronger and less toxic left wing masculinity being developed, centered on positive values, rights, gender non conformity, and liberation for all beings.
Dudes Rock.
You don’t need people who depend on you (especially financially) to be a man. Someone needing you and you being able to meet that need is a blessing, not a token for ones ego.
Thank you so much for this comrade having trouble writing because I feel relief, sadness, and something else I need to find words for. Haven't cried like this in a long time good cry.
Dudes Rock indeed.
Hey there’s a lot to be said on the subject, this is a rich vein you hit with this post. And I’m honored, crying is beautiful, do it more my dudes! Keep digging on stuff like this, Wmill, and keep rocking my dude.
I'll keep looking and searching for the right words and wanna say am so happy for this comm being a place were we can talk and discuss these kinda thing.
:rat-salute: may the rocking never end.
I’m proud to have rocked this thread with you. It’s hard stuff to talk about, keep effort posting, the dudes want it! We can’t make any of this better alone.
Yeah that's pretty rough. I also feel similar on this kind of thing, like I know it's illogical but I get that twinge of self doubt/hate/whatever when I can't do things I think I should be able to, like carrying heavy things, being useful around the house, etc. I also feel that people in public judge me for not doing those things, like carrying the groceries etc. I mean I can't do those things at the moment, I have a disability, even if it's not particularly visible all the time. But even if I didn't have a disability it shouldn't matter if I don't do stuff like that. But it still makes me feel inadequate in some way.
I deal with it with a lot of thought, reminding myself not to do things that I can't do, and not to set impossible goals or standards. Also just thinking about everything in general and learning little by little to accept myself every day. Some days are much more difficult than others. So yeah lots of self acceptance, and trying to counter bad habits and thoughts internally.
Self love is super vital but difficult at times what helps for me is picturing another comrade exactly like me feeling down or insecure and telling them they matter and deserve love for just being. In my mind I hug that comrade and slowly come to realize I'm hugging myself. Thank you for sharing your experience comrade and for being open :meow-hug: :ancom-heart:
