Figured I'd talk rn while I feel like the ground pulled apart under me in a way positive and odd. So recently, like 5 minutes ago, found out my sister bought a car to drive herself to work and I'm happy for her but feeling weird.
No secret that I'm neet and live at home. I guess to put it simply I've tied my self-esteem in what I could do for others. One where the transactional nature of capitalism is based on. I get love only so long as I'm useful to those around me and no love otherwise. This of course a ridiculous standard I would never hold to other people but one I can't shake off myself so easily.
Was the driving tough yeah but I was getting used to it. Same with the need of postponing drink or other activities so as to be useful in driving my sister where she was needed.
Now though, I feel as though I lost something and I feel a sense of sadness and dread. Brain is meh but I feel it in my stomach.
I know there is still more to do around the house but the question comes do I do it because it needs to be done or to preserve the other esteem that this patriarchal system as instilled in me. I've heard the term other esteem once to mean a self esteem rooted in other people or external and thought it would fit here.
Normally I'd try not to think about but I know if left unaired this will fester. I also have the duty of being some kind of role model here now that I'm a mod. To this end I shall be more open with my emotions and encourage other masc comrades to do the same here.
I would like to here what my masc comrades thoughts on being needed and doing stuff. Tell me your thoughts, feelings, and anything you always wanted to say but were too afraid to. I'm new at this but will try my best to respond with empathy and understanding because we all need it :hug
Yeah that's pretty rough. I also feel similar on this kind of thing, like I know it's illogical but I get that twinge of self doubt/hate/whatever when I can't do things I think I should be able to, like carrying heavy things, being useful around the house, etc. I also feel that people in public judge me for not doing those things, like carrying the groceries etc. I mean I can't do those things at the moment, I have a disability, even if it's not particularly visible all the time. But even if I didn't have a disability it shouldn't matter if I don't do stuff like that. But it still makes me feel inadequate in some way.
I deal with it with a lot of thought, reminding myself not to do things that I can't do, and not to set impossible goals or standards. Also just thinking about everything in general and learning little by little to accept myself every day. Some days are much more difficult than others. So yeah lots of self acceptance, and trying to counter bad habits and thoughts internally.
Self love is super vital but difficult at times what helps for me is picturing another comrade exactly like me feeling down or insecure and telling them they matter and deserve love for just being. In my mind I hug that comrade and slowly come to realize I'm hugging myself. Thank you for sharing your experience comrade and for being open :meow-hug: :ancom-heart:
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