My husband is a NEET and I’m very fortunate that my career pays enough that we don’t need him to contribute financially. He’s tried out a variety of careers and I’ve supported them, but inevitably he runs into some difficulty and quits within a few months.
I really don’t care that he doesn’t work and actually prefer it that way because my anxiety is very bad and I don’t have a lot of capacity for self-care.
Both of our families think it’s a problem that he doesn’t work, and obviously society looks down on it. My husband just told me that he has trouble sleeping because he can’t stop beating himself up when he’s alone with his thoughts.
Our arrangement has been that he cooks 6 meals a week (we eat 1 meal for both lunch and dinner) and we’ve tried implementing a cleaning schedule so it doesn’t get out of control, but he’s been too depressed to do pretty much any cleaning and wants to do delivery at least every other day. I’ll admit that I really don’t pull my weight with household chores, so I really don’t push these issues a lot because I can’t demand he do something that I’m not willing to do.
He spends all day playing video games, which is what I do in the weekends so I don’t think it’s like horrible, but it’s hard to get him to prioritize responsibilities over his game.
I want to be supportive, I don’t expect him to be a servant, I want him to contribute a fair amount to the state of the apartment and meals and I feel like it’s not possible for him right now because his self-esteem is so low. I also just want him to not feel ashamed of our situation even though I know it’s difficult because people are very judgmental about it.
I’ve asked him to talk to a therapist, but outside of that, what do you guys do to feel good about yourselves in a world that makes it so difficult?
Just an aside, but Le Guin's The Dispossessed describes a society with community cafeterias and creches. The creche one I'm not quite sure about myself, but communal cafeterias, it's just so amazing. Thinking about how a society would work with a community cafeteria makes you realize just how much we are burdened by our own individualistic food preparation - both in terms of time and resources (how much space a kitchen and appliances takes up in your living space).
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I love and hate The Dispossessed. I love it because it's amazing. I hate it because I get a bit sad thinking about how wonderful Anarres' society was described, and how I'm almost certainly never see something like that in my lifetime.
The concept of community creches is fascinating. I don't know how I missed that since I could on and on about it. Especially since I'm a parent and a leftist. I think all sides of the debate have a good point and there are pros and cons on both sides.
IIRC there was a movement in leftist feminism at the time Le Guin was writing that highlighted how since children were viewed as the woman's responsibility, children served to reinforce patriarchal systems. So something like a community creche and removing that responsibility would liberate women. But I think an even stronger argument is... how many people have shitty parents? Quite a lot, sadly. Being raised by the community (a good leftist community, at least) moreso than parents will give a ton of people a better start in life. Nothing breaks atomization and alienation from your community than literally being raised by your community. And I absolutely hate how nearly every American parent views their children as their property. Kids have zero rights in this country and it's bullshit.
OTOH as a parent... I just couldn't go as far as they do on Anarres. Maybe it's selfish of me but I love my kid to pieces. I cherish (nearly) every minute with her.
So I think there's probably a good solution out there that's a softer version of a community creche. Even beyond just good childcare service. I do believe we need to transfer some responsibilities of parents to the community in a leftist society. And kids definitely need way more rights than they have today. Just my 2 cents.