https://nitter.net/aprettyPR/status/1733189753523081247
I might not have used the phrase waste of money, but I'm within the same ballpark if I'm asked to do something I don't want to do. I don't want to spend some $60 for a tiktok trend. I'm slow to do activities beyond what I'm already investing my limited energy into. I historically feel like I'm putting forth a lot of energy on top of what I already use to exist to be aware of my partner's presence, making sure we're doing enough together, making sure they're happy, etc. It has historically been and seems like the sort of thinking that your partner should want to do things like this that makes me feel like I'm obviously out of the loop on something. I couldn't imagine wanting a partner to be down for every idea I have and there would be some catharsis in not having the expectation that I drop what I'm doing and open up my wallet for theirs. "I don't want to spend money on this" is a common part of my life - it's something that I'm conversing with myself all the time. I could but I'd be content abstaining. It seems like if "if [he] wanted to he would" is the dynamic, then my partner would be another spinning plate (alongside work, health, social obligations) instead of my fellow plate spinner with their own burdens to satisfy.
The consensus that the boyfriend is being hurtful and obviously a bad partner feels like getting checkmated. How could I ever be a good match for any of those people? How could I ever want to? Because they spend their hard earned money on some cutesy thing for me in return? Like please don't. Where am I going to put it? What if I want to horse around and there's all sorts of fragile shit around? What if we have friends over and now there's shit they need to be careful around? What if there's shit we need but we already spent all our money on shit we don't need? Big expectations around gifts feel like a big burden. "comrade let's go for a walk." "comrade let's cook a meal." "comrade let's have friends over for board game night." "comrade teach me something new." "comrade let's have a deep conversation." "comrade my friends are having a party." are things off the top of my head that would feel much better to drop what I'm doing for and look forward to doing it. The kind of person who would do shit like that with me is the kind of person who I'd go on road trips with, travel, move in with, etc. But the idea that we'd get into fights over some sort of "you should want to do this" and "I don't want to" isn't a good answer would be disqualifying for me and it looks like that's a common attitude.
How unfortunate. I won't endorse what the person in the video was asking for, I do recognize that they seemed (I'll presume it was authentic) to be hurt.
I make the same kinds of asks of my partner and their self-esteem has deteriorated as a result. I'm working on managing my asks, I don't want the effect of my interactions, though exciting for me, to be harmful to my loved one.
What I have trouble understanding is—where is the self-reflection for the other people responding to the main video and within the sub-threads to those responses? Why does it seem some cannot acknowledge their actions can have the potential to be unequivocally harmful, even if that was not their intent? Since when has intent been the only criterion to judge one's actions?? It's not as though it appears they judge others solely on their intent, rather it's reserved for themselves.
Are we all emotionally stunted, sensitive, and insecure? I read old letters and I don't see the same sensitivity, not frequently at least. Enough people are affected that it does no good to blame individuals for their tendencies. It's only, I don't know what specifically to bemoan. Platitudes about the social structure and systems we inhabit don't have the immediate relatedness to he satisfying.