I don’t know what to do about it. Shit. I just want to scream, I want to hit something, I want to do something I just have all this tension boiling up in me. The anti-depressant I’m on just makes me feel numb, well, not completely numb but every emotion except the rage and anxiety I have feels muted.
When this used to happen a lot I’d just drink until I calmed down or forgot. I’m seven months sober now though and I don’t want to break that. Lately I’ve just tried to completely forget about what’s happening through escapism by diving into completely unrelated hobbies and TV and movies etc. But that seems like such a cop out and such a fucking privileged thing to do and I hate myself for it.
I live alone in a state where I haven’t made any friends. I haven’t had a real conversation with somebody in person since before mid-March when all the shelter-in-place shit started. I was going to start seeing a therapist literally right before as the shelter in place stuff started happening which canceled the appointment and I haven’t been able to get one since. I can’t do teletherapy because I need to see facial expressions (I hate phonecalls for this reason) and skype therapy just doesn’t interest me especially when they want to charge the full price for it.
I feel like I’m losing my mind and that everything is going to shit and I just feel completely powerless to do anything. I’m scared, I’m angry, and I have no idea what to do.
Typing all this out has helped a bit by putting the thoughts to words but still.
What do chapo, what do?
I found listening to Matt on Twitch and YouTube really helped. He had a bit of a "Satori Moment" that helped him piece together a bunch of things, and he's sharing it now on his livestreams. He's basically invented a kind of Transcendental Marxism, really cool stuff that puts the current moment into perspective. It has helped with the closing-in feeling that you are watching things break down even while the people in charge (who we elected to fix these problems!) are merely twiddling their thumbs because this is the best Western democracy has come up with.
The thing about alcohol that scares me is that it works. I feel better, I smile more, I sleep more soundly, I get along with others better, and there are so many delicious and interesting drinks to sample. The local liquor store was considered an essential business, and a bylaw was passed to exclude it from the (otherwise aggressive and restrictive) lockdown measures implemented here. I have not had alcohol in the house since Christmas, and while I am clear-headed and calm now, I have had many panicky and dark moments in the last few months where a soothing scotch would have made me feel much better.
The feeling of losing your mind, of powerlessness, is a side effect of the aggressive, exploitative remorseless machine called capitalism. In a society of communities, we related to other people, shared our fears and concerns with them, and could work together to build a better world. But alone in our apartments, as sentient input-output devices (or sensory response units) we are becoming absorbed into this computer-like monster.
I venture outside every four days to get food, but otherwise I am inside. I am lucky enough to be able to work from home, but also basically chained to my computer. It is my only source of human relation, entertainment, education, income and wish fulfillment. That is no way to live. The worst part is knowing that there is a better way. Humans do not have to be in competition with one another. Humans do not have to exploit one another to get the resources needed to live a meaningful life. We are cursed with the knowledge of that world, and of the knowledge that things are likely to get much worse before they get better. Even typing at a computer in a city that has not yet succumbed to climate change is a privilege.
The biggest thing I've learned is that we probably need to widen our perspective more than we are comfortable. We will be attacked. We will be left behind. But as long as we are sentient, and can send out sparks in the darkness, future generations will have a chance. "Society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they will never sit." That in itself is depressing, but it is depressing because we won't get to enjoy it. Hanging on to "enjoyment" as our goal will have us exhausted on the hedonic treadmill. The solution is having a grander vision, and being content with the existence of a few other people who still believe great things are possible.