I don’t know what to do about it. Shit. I just want to scream, I want to hit something, I want to do something I just have all this tension boiling up in me. The anti-depressant I’m on just makes me feel numb, well, not completely numb but every emotion except the rage and anxiety I have feels muted.

When this used to happen a lot I’d just drink until I calmed down or forgot. I’m seven months sober now though and I don’t want to break that. Lately I’ve just tried to completely forget about what’s happening through escapism by diving into completely unrelated hobbies and TV and movies etc. But that seems like such a cop out and such a fucking privileged thing to do and I hate myself for it.

I live alone in a state where I haven’t made any friends. I haven’t had a real conversation with somebody in person since before mid-March when all the shelter-in-place shit started. I was going to start seeing a therapist literally right before as the shelter in place stuff started happening which canceled the appointment and I haven’t been able to get one since. I can’t do teletherapy because I need to see facial expressions (I hate phonecalls for this reason) and skype therapy just doesn’t interest me especially when they want to charge the full price for it.

I feel like I’m losing my mind and that everything is going to shit and I just feel completely powerless to do anything. I’m scared, I’m angry, and I have no idea what to do.

Typing all this out has helped a bit by putting the thoughts to words but still.

What do chapo, what do?