I apologize if this is too broad/doomer-y for this comm, but I feel like I need to post it somewhere other than a general megathread where it gets buried.
So to keep it brief, over the past year I feel like I've crossed an event horizon. What I mean is that, like the event horizon of a black hole, I've reached a point where I'm being dragged toward oblivion with no hope of escape. I've been chronically depressed for much of my life, but never to this extent where I've had genuinely episodes of what I guess you could call derealization? I feel like I'm watching a movie of my life. There are moments where I feel lightheaded and like nothing around me is real. It almost alternates between this pseudo-Buddhist detachment and terrifying existential dread about some true nature of existence or whatever.
For a while, I could keep the negativity at bay with exercise or hobbies or whatever. I was actually sort of content for a while in 2022. But during this past year, nothing, and I mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G helps. Going for a walk? Still feel miserable. Drawing? I just cannot draw anything. Exercise? Bored and tired the whole time. Games? Boring. Reading? Pointless. Hang out with friends? Boring, and they probably all hate me anyway. I constantly have this nagging feeling that I should be doing Something Else...but I have absolutely no idea what could possibly satisfy this need. Because nothing feels remotely good anymore. I cannot really convey through words just how maddeningly frustrating this is for me.
I also fucking despise my job, and I think it's a big reason for all this. It's a dumb supervisor job at a grocery store department, so it's not like it's actually hard, but it's so exhausting. Like needlessly so. I'm tired of waking up at 4AM everyday to get there at 5. I hate most of my coworkers. I loathe our customers. But it's full time and got decent enough benefits (which I really need to keep) so I'm apprehensive about finding anything else. I've thought about going back to school (I have a general studies associate's, as I had originally planned to transfer elsewhere before covid happened and derailed everything), but I have no clue what to do.
So long story short, I'm just burned the fuck out from everything in my life (there's other stuff too, but this post is long enough). And it's at the point where I don't even know where to start to fix things, because all the usual tricks don't seem to work anymore. I almost want to pull a Bilbo Baggins and just ghost everyone and go far away.
Honestly? SSRIs and stimulants. You sound like where I was a few years ago, I ended up in the hospital. Hormones also helped me, but that's more specific. The only non perscrition thing I can recommend is taking a real legitamte break - pulling a Bilbo as you put it. If you do that you do need to make good use of your time and get something out of the experience more than just a break.
The unfortunate truth is thag even if you aren't excited about taking meds and would rather treat the cause of the problem (capitalism), tricking your brain into functioning properly is often a prerequesire to making a change in your community and environment. It's really hard to fix the world when you can't even get up.
Yeah I plan to take a break soon. Thing that socks is that even when i'm on break I still get that sort of dread that I'm wasting time.
Maybe meds are needed as like a foundation at this point.
You sound like me but with a job and a few more molecules of dopamine (I can’t fucking write that many coherent sentences).
some people are not depressed and they are not to be trusted. they will say complete nonsense that they think works but is only possible due to the lack of disability
some people are too precarious to consider their own feelings and can't stop. they typically crash and burn eventually.
your job situation is a common scenario for alcoholism or other drug abuse, try to avoid that if you're using to cope.
the only fix for burnout is time off and a change of circumstances, so if you have the spoons to be applying and shit you're better off doing that now when you can be choosy about opportunities.
if therapy is available give it a shot but a therapist or medication won't help if what you need is money, community, and working conditions that don't make you want to die.
are you on any medication or undergoing any treatment? that sounds like a pretty serious depressive episode
Like medication/treatment for the depression? I'm not taking anything. I was prescribed welbutrin a while back but stopped because I don't really like fucking with that kind of stuff, even though it's mild. Maybe I need to give it another chance though.
How much of a while back? Coming off of Wellbutrin isn't supposed to be that bad, but my experience sounds awfully similar to yours
You spend your waking hours there, bored and annoyed, and so the attrition of the minutia is wearing down on your psyche in quiet despair; your escapisms, your tangible and social anesthetics, and consumer experiences aren't filling the void and acting as painkiller.
Yeah you worded it perfectly.
So, if you can, you should go back to university and find a career that can do that.
This is what I hope to do but I just...don't know what to do. Like at this point I've given up on ever having a "dream job" primarily because I have no dreams. So I do want to go back for just some decent career. But then this creates in me a different kind of existential fear, where I persist in different forms of mediocrity forever. Plus I'm 25 now, and I know people go back to school all the time, but I can't escape this notion that it's still pathetic and pointless.
Whatever though, I guess my short-term goal right now is to make a plan for what I want to do when I go back, ideally this coming fall. I had hoped to go back this spring, but I just never figured anything out (I think this is one of the immediate causes of my recent despair, I feel like a fuck-up for not committing to it). Maybe everything will sort itself out from there.
:( I'm sorry, i guess it's obvious but it sounds like you are probably experiencing anhedonia (unable to feel joy).
I guess if i was to give advice other than Abolish Capitalism, i'd recommend seeing if you can address the depression in a chemical way, antidepressents, maybe check for a vitamin deficiency (it sounds silly but my depression is a lot worse when i don't take my vitamin D). If you can't feel any joy even doing things you used to enjoy, i think you've kind of hit your limit on getting better without help. I personally had good luck with antidepressants when i was at my most depressed.
And maybe try to look for another job, i know how easy it is to get trapped and it's a shitshow to find work, but maybe it'll give your brain something to focus on and give you comfort to know you're not actually trapped.
I was an assistant manager at a job I hated for years and felt basically the same as you. Switched careers, and it allowed me to locate and start working on the issues that weren't caused by my job, in my case clinical depression and ADHD. Didn't think I could ever leave but it was easy. Just my experience but you might try to make a plan. I cashed out my 401k to live off of while I went to a trade school.
Yeah I really do need to find something else. Just sucks having to start all over.
I don't know if I can move elsewhere right now. My sleep is pretty fucked though. I sleep maybe six hours, then I'm so tired when I get home in the afternoon that I take a 1-2 hour nap. Not getting much sunlight either since it's winter.
I mighty have to look into one of those, honestly, especially for this time of year
What do you want?
That question is perhaps a little vague, so maybe I'll add another - what is your goal? Do you have one?
I really don't know what I want. Which I guess is the root issue here.
