At a meeting with the French writer Henri Barbusse in September 1934, Stalin told him the story of his escape from exile. In 1912, Stalin was exiled to the distant Narym region in the hope that he would not dare to flee from there. However, the escape was a success. Stalin told Barbusse about it, because he considered this escape to be a kind of classic.
It is well known that many escapes of Russian revolutionaries, especially from the intelligentsia, ended in failure. It was all the fault of the "lordly" habits and the inability to find a common language with ordinary people. Even those who carefully prepared were thwarted by denunciations of drivers, maids, janitors and other "forced people" who reported "strange men" to the local authorities.
Stalin, on the other hand, did not particularly try to conceal the quite obvious fact that he was hiding from the police. He did not beg, did not make promises to reward generously, like a rich master, and did not offer to "pay with vodka" in order to exclude the very possibility of interpreting his behavior as an attempt at bribery, "greasing palms", insulting the dignity of any decent person. When talking with the driver, he immediately announced that he had no money. But he noted he had a pair of vodka shot glasses. And with them he will be able to "pay" a "yardstick" for each ride between settlements. As long as that is enough, it will go for as long.
The coachmen, hearing about such an intricate form of payment, began to joke that, they say, "this devil is not Russian" that he does not know that in Russia no one measures vodka with yardsticks, but only with buckets! Then Stalin pulled out from behind his bag a wooden yardstick in in the form of a plank 71 cm long, small iron cups emerged from the bag. Mason jars were put on the board, and vodka was poured into them. And so it happened - an arshin of vodka!(a Russian unit of length equal to 28 inches)
The joke caused laughter, defused the situation. On the way, the second, or even the third "arshin" drank together in a toast, to a common snack or heartfelt road talk about how the common people live.
“Come to us again,” the drivers usually said, parting with the cheerful passenger. After several stations, the drivers changed. It turned out that Stalin never named the destination of his journey, did not mention a single station.
Despite his obvious Caucasian accent, Stalin managed to escape from the farthest corners of the empire. For all the time it has not been an issue even once!
Former secretary of the Borjomi district party committee Djibo Nikolayevich Lomoshvili told the following story: In the 1930s, Stalin, together with members of the Politburo, arrived in Tbilisi and, as always, stayed at the house of his mother, Ekaterina Georgievna.
How exactly Stalin's conversation with his mother began is hard to remember, but it ended like this ...
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Son, tell me, did you kill the Tsar?
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No, mom, not me. At that time I was fighting on the front.
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Swear! Swear it’s not you and cross yourself.
Stalin crossed himself.
- Well, thank God that so ... I believe you, son.
Everyone who was present at this conversation was greatly amazed that the revolutionary Stalin crossed himself and did it sincerely, according to all the rules. Stalin took his mother by the hand, kissed her and, calming her, said something quietly to her in Georgian. Then he turned to his guests and said:
- Here is pure faith! It is impossible to deceive or confuse such a person. You all should have such belief in socialism
I.V. Stalin received parcels from his mother in Georgia with the usual set of favorite delicacies: nut jam, churchkhels and figs. And in Georgia, they tell the story of how Stalin's mother once sent him a parcel.
While buying gifts, she lingered a little and came to the post office right as they were going on their lunch break. The young postman there began to send the old woman out.
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Go, go, closed! Lunch break.
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Son, I can't wait for an hour. It's hard for me. Spend five minutes on me, send a parcel to my son, please!
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No, no, I'm going for a meal. In one hour!
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Eh! Son, why are you like this? As a person, I ask you ...
But the postman was relentless and slammed the window right in front of her face.
Ekaterina Georgievna went out, stood a little at a loss, and finally went up to a poster depicting Stalin, sat down on a stone. Then she raised her head, looked intently at the poster, shook her head and said:
- And you want to build socialism with these people? Uh <A sigh>
The postman heard this sitting at the open window:
- Woman, what are you talking about there? Do you even know who this is?
“I know, I know,” she waved the young guy off. - This is my son!
Before the opening of the Moscow metro in 1935, the editor-in-chief of Vechernyaya Moskvy announced to the staff that the next issue would be devoted to the responses of workers to this significant event, and instructed them to prepare the relevant material. The journalists went to carry out their assignment. Only the reporter Trofim Yudin was in no hurry, he came up with a daring idea: to interview Stalin himself. Everyone knew that Stalin had made a test ride in a brand new metro just the day before, and who else, if not he, could give an appropriate response! Yudin called the Kremlin, introduced himself and explained the purpose of his call. He was asked to wait a little bit. When Stalin's voice rang out on the phone, Yudin was suddenly surprised and barely uttered the prepared phrase:
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Hello, Comrade Stalin, this is the correspondent of Vechernyaya Moskvy, Trofim Yudin.
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Who-who?
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Trofim Yudin, Comrade Stalin, from the newspaper Vechernyaya Moskva. We are preparing a reportage with the responses of citizens about our metro. I wanted to ask, Comrade Stalin, did you like the metro?
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Write it down: "I liked the metro. The Moscow metro is the best in the world. ~Stalin."
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Thank you, Comrade Stalin.
Happy and proud, Yudin spoke about an interview with the editor-in-chief, who was hysterical. What to do? Print? What if Yudin is lying! Don't print? And if it's true ?!
- I need confirmation, I won't publish it! - I'll fire you if you don't confirm it!
Yudin calls Stalin again:
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Comrade Stalin, they are threatening to firing me - they do not believe that I talked to you.
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Tell them that I don't want you fired.
Yudin was not fired. Moreover, he was sat down and surrounded in the newspaper room with six Chief editors, who treated him with apprehension, not knowing what to expect from him.
In October 1941, the Germans, as you know, approached Moscow itself. Unbeknownst to Stalin, his dacha was filled with mines, after taking out everything of value.
On the evening of October 15, Stalin, as usual, gathered in Volynskoe. They began to dissuade him: they say, the heating was turned off, the curtains were removed from the windows, the water was turned off. Stalin insisted that he be taken to his dacha. We drove up to the fence and saw that the gate was tightly closed. They began to honk and knock. From behind the fence, the voice of Orlov's security officer was heard, who asked who he had brought at such a time.
- We have brought Stalin! Open immediately!
Recognizing Stalin's voice, Orlov, without opening the gate, announced that the dacha was mined in accordance with the order. Stalin sighed and in a calm voice said wearily:
- Well, we will clear mines together.
Stalin was temporarily placed in a security house, and the stove was lit. The Kremlin turntable phoned the Kremlin. Soon, sappers arrived and quickly cleared the house.
The question of transferring the strategic reserves of the headquarters to the Stalingrad front was being resolved. In the Kremlin, in Stalin's office, near the maps laid out on the table stood Zhukov, Vasilevsky, the commander for the rear Khrulev, secretary of the Central Committee of the CPSU (b) Malenkov, Yermolin, as well as the head of transportation and the head of the technical department of the General Staff.
Stalin's gaze unexpectedly fell on the head of the technical department, or rather, on his jacket. An excellent specialist, an excellent organizer, the head of the technical department was distinguished by extreme negligence, he could come to the meeting in a tunic with spots or without a collar. There was always such a feature behind him, but no one dared to make a comment: an adult, moreover, a military man, must understand himself.
Stalin had previously paid attention to the sloppiness of the chief of the technical department, but knowing how hard it was to work and at the same time to look after himself in such a difficult time, he held back. But this time the greasy tunic and uncleaned boots completely pissed him off.
Looking at the slovenly officer, with difficulty restraining his anger, Stalin asked:
- And what is this street child? Who are you visiting? Are you a general or ... Khrulev! If this general does not have enough funds to sew a uniform for himself, sew two for him at my expense. Now get out of here!
The news of the incident spread with lightning speed. The next day, all as one officers of the General Staff came to work carefully shaved, in ironed tunics, in shoes polished to a shine.
One combined-arms colonel-general was on a report with Stalin. The report was informative, Stalin nodded his head several times approvingly, which was considered a good sign.
The Colonel General considered that the time had come to solve his problem of sending luggage from Germany, and deliberately hesitated. Stalin asked:
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Do you want to say something, Comrade Colonel General?
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Yes, Comrade Stalin. I have a personal question.
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Personal? Okay. Speak, I'm listening.
The Colonel-General was delighted and said that his luggage was detained at the checkpoint, in which there were some things, trifles. The things were confiscated. Could you give the command to return them to him?
- Okay, write a report.
The Colonel-General, pleased that everything was resolved so easily, quickly wrote a report. Poskrebyshev, Stalin's secretary, asked him to wait in the next room, went into the office to impose a resolution ...
On receiving the report, the Colonel General scanned it with his eyes. In the corner in red pencil: "Return his stuff to the colonel. I. Stalin."
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There is a mistake! I am not a colonel, but a colonel general.
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No, Comrade Colonel, there is no slip of the tongue. All questions for Comrade Stalin.
And he added, without hearing any objections:
- You can alter the shoulder straps right now.
Poskrebyshev handed the dumbfounded officer a pair of new colonel's shoulder straps.
In the room next to Stalin's office, there was everything you need to put yourself in order, including altering the shoulder straps.
It was 1947. Stalin was at his dacha. He was told that Rokossovsky was also at the dacha and was resting with his wife and daughter. Stalin invited the whole family to dinner, and during lunch there was a casual conversation on various topics.
From time to time Stalin got up from the table to take a walk. Then he approached Rokossovsky:
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You were sitting, Konstantin Konstantinovich?
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Yes, Comrade Stalin, I was in prison. Sorted it out and released. But many good people suffered there ...
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You are right, we have a lot of wonderful people.
Stalin turned and went out into the garden. Everyone at the table was silent.
Malenkov, who was present at lunch, hissed Rokossovsky indignantly:
- Why did you say that?
But not even a few minutes had passed when Stalin returned with bouquets, which he immediately handed over to the Rokossovsky family.
Kaganovich presented to Stalin a project for the reconstruction of Red Square. On the mock-up with movable structures, one could see everything down to the smallest detail.
Stalin looked at the model with interest, and Kaganovich talked about plans for reconstruction, moving the models of old buildings and new buildings. Stalin listened in silence. Kaganovich interpreted the silence in his own way and, getting into a rage, moved on to the main thing - to the transfer of the building of the Cathedral of St. Basil the Blessed. He reached for a miniature model of the building and immediately heard:
- Put the Temple back.
This ended the discussion.
Not one person in the world could put pressure on Stalin, including the Pope, who once tried to appeal to him with a request - if possible, to alleviate the situation of Catholics on the territory of Russia.
This request was conveyed by French Foreign Minister Pierre Laval. He paid a visit to Moscow and was warmly received by Stalin, who hoped for help from the French in the upcoming war with Germany.
Churchill writes in his memoirs: "Stalin and Molotov, of course, strove first of all to find out what the size of the French army would be on the Western Front, how many divisions." Having failed to achieve an intelligible answer, Stalin was disappointed, but did not show it.
At the end of the conversation, Laval unexpectedly asked: "Is there anything you can do to promote religion and Catholics in Russia? It would help me so much in my dealings with the Pope."
Stalin exchanged glances with Molotov, grinned:
- With the Father? How many divisions does the Pope have?
Churchill, having arrived at the Potsdam conference, first of all expressed a desire to visit Berlin. He examined the city, visited Hitler's bunker and the ruins of the Reichstag. In front of the Reichstag, Churchill saw a huge poster in a bright red frame. There was something written on it in Russian and German. Churchill asked to translate the content of the poster for him. The translator read:
"The experience of history says that Hitlers come and go, but the German people and the German state remain. J. Stalin."
Churchill commented irritably:
- How do you like it? We're waiting for the Conference here. And Stalin had already started it, without us. Sly Byzantine ...
During the negotiations, Stalin sat next to him Golunsky, the head of the legal department of the Foreign Ministry, not only an excellent expert in international law, but also a good translator, and said at the same time:
- This, so that we are not cheated. Russia wins wars, but does not know how to use the fruits of victories: it will be bypassed, then it will not be enough. We'll fix that.
During the negotiations, Stalin had to overcome the powerful resistance of his opponents. In such cases, he became tough and could play the diplomatic game literally "on the brink" ...
Despite the fact that the Soviet Army could already do without the help of the allies, Stalin nevertheless insisted on the opening of a Second Front in Europe in order to reduce losses in any way and speed up the end of hostilities. However, the Allies continued to postpone the opening of the Second Front, citing all sorts of reasons. Several promised dates have already been missed. And, nevertheless, Stalin did not give up trying. One episode of negotiations with the British on the opening of the Second Front can be found in the book by A.A. Gromyko "Memorable".
“... Stalin several times tried to get an answer from Churchill when the Allied landings in Europe would begin, that is, when the Second Front would open. But he never received this answer. Molotov:
“We have too many things to do at home to waste time here. Nothing good, as I see it, is turning out ...
Churchill, in confusion, fearing that the conference might be disrupted, declared:
“The Marshal misunderstood me. This date can be called: May forty-fourth ... (D-day would happen in June)
The atmosphere was discharged. "
Representatives of the Entente, having exhausted all the possibilities to defeat Soviet Russia, propose to start a negotiation process. The head of the delegation says with pathos:
- We offer you the world!
Stalin, sitting among the members of the Russian delegation, grins:
- Why do we need the world? Enough for us and Russia, for now.
In the 30s, during the celebration of November 7, a small event took place in Moscow, or rather, an episode that almost led to the hara-kiri of General Umezu Yoshijiro, the sixth commander of the Kwantung Army.
The new commander grieved the defeat of the Kwantung Army at Homongan in Manchuria. And how well it all started! The plan for the capture of Soviet Transbaikalia was perfectly worked out. But, alas ... In addition, these Russians used some new, unknown weapon, according to scientists, which was a kind of rockets. The consequences of the rocket artillery fire were truly dire.
In order to "save face" and finally not lose the military prestige of the Yamato country, the army was ordered: without expanding the conflict, to strike back with all the forces of the Kwantung Army, then begin negotiations to resolve the incident, as the Japanese continued to call their own overt acts of military aggression against their neighbors.
But the Soviet Army surrounded and almost completely destroyed the significant forces of the Japanese army. As a result, on September 16, the Japanese command had to sign a truce with the Russians, which in fact meant admission of defeat, but even this could be safely endured, explaining important reasons.
The biggest blow to the pride and hypertrophied nationalism of the supporters of Hakko Ichio ("the conquest of the world under one roof - Japan") was dealt in Moscow during a parade on Red Square ...
Members of the USSR government stood on the platform of the Mausoleum. Representatives of the embassy and foreign military attaches, invited on the day of the holiday to the small stands of the Mausoleum, watched Stalin with interest. He was whispering about something with Voroshilov, who was standing next to him. Stalin and Voroshilov from time to time cast meaningful glances in the direction of the small stands.
Finally, Stalin and Voroshilov seem to have agreed on something:
Voroshilov nodded his head in agreement, and Stalin chuckled and began to look away. Voshilov stepped down from the rostrum of the Mausoleum and went to the utterly intrigued ambassadors. Clement Efremovich approached everyone and shook hands. Finally, it was the turn of the Japanese military attaché, General Tataban. Voroshilov stretched out his hand, greeted him, and was about to step back a couple of steps when he suddenly turned to the general, smiled and ... shook his finger like a mischievous schoolboy. Tatabana made a stone face.
When the commander of the Kwantung Army, Umezu Yoshijiro, read about this in a report from Moscow, it seemed to him that an abyss opened up at his feet into which he inevitably had to collapse without enduring such a shame. The Japanese generals never received such a graceful and murderous slap in the face. It would be better if they, like boys, were carved in the square!
He did not do hara-kiri for himself only because at the moment of the defeat he was not in command of the army ...
Irakli Andronikov knew how to parody various figures well. Stalin turned out to be especially similar when he was told about this. At one of the meetings with writers, Stalin saw I. Andronikov and approached him:
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Comrade Andronikov, they say you are good at parodying me. Please show me!
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I don’t make up my mind! - said Andronikov and made a negative gesture with an imaginary pipe in his hand ...
Once, at one of the banquets in the Kremlin, seizing the moment, I.S. Kozlovsky turned to Stalin:
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Comrade Stalin, I have never been abroad, I would very much like to go ...
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Won't you run away?
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What are you, Comrade Stalin, I will not exchange my native village for the whole abroad!
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How well you said that. So go to your native village.
H. Khrushchev often flaunted his true proletarian origin and recalled his working past at every opportunity. This continued until one day Stalin, unable to bear it, chuckled and said:
- Worker, from under the machine ... (A sexual inuendo I think)
Subsequently H. Khrushchev cited this phrase as an example of Stalin's disrespectful attitude towards the working class.
As a compromise, Stalin suggested that the British send about two dozen divisions to the Eastern Front, for direct participation in hostilities in Ukraine. Beaverbrook expressed the idea of transferring troops from Iran to the Caucasus, motivating this idea with the proximity of the territory:
- Remove your troops from the Caucasus, and we will guard the oil fields instead of you. (how very british)
Stalin:
- Good idea. Only in the Caucasus there is no war, but in Ukraine there is. Let's not get away from reality and solve problems as they come.
At a meeting of the Politburo, Stalin spoke about the conversation:
- The British offer help - to send their troops to the Caucasus. They are holding us for fools: we will not get them out of there later ...
At one of his meetings with Stalin, Churchill proposed to place an air base in Murmansk and added:
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It's hard for you! (saying this to the only country actually fighting off the nazi invasion on their homeland)
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Difficult! If you want to help, then send your troops to the front. And we ourselves will guard our ports. (Dunked lmao)
"Well, we have allies ..." - Stalin said periodically.
The Allies violated the terms of the operation, code-named "Overlord", scheduled for May 1944. The opening of the Second Front began with the landing of the Anglo-American landing on the coast of France only on June 6. Thus, the USSR alone bore the brunt of the Second World War almost to the very end. (That is to say, since the 14 of June in 1941 to just 8 days short of three full years, the Allies kept putting off opening up the second front until the best armies of the Axis powers were broken under the Red Army's tank treads. Talk about being opportunistic hyenas)
In addition, when the Allies suffered a serious defeat on December 16, 1944 in the Ardennes and in January 1945 in Alsace, Churchill turned to Stalin for help, asking him to launch an offensive on the Eastern Front ahead of the time planned by Headquarters. Despite the bad weather for aviation and artillery, Stalin promised that he would help the allied forces, and kept his word. (who needs the British as allies when you got the Man of Steel on your side)
The large-scale offensive of the Soviet Army began on January 12, 1945 on the front stretching from the Baltic Sea to the Carpathians. The Germans were forced to urgently transfer their divisions from the Western Front to the Eastern. The allies were saved. (Thats to say that even fighting the lightly armed garrison forces and the beaten-to-shit veterans of the Eastern Front were too tough for the "forces of Freedom and Democracy", who had three relatively peaceful years to build up, to fight off.)
Stalin's communication with the heads and representatives of foreign states took place not only at the negotiating table. At banquets and other friendly events, one should not relax either. In addition to serious "raids," Stalin had to give a worthy response to less significant, but no less daring diplomatic taunts.
At the Potsdam Conference, controversy over post-war borders flared up. W. Churchill was especially fierce:
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But Lviv has never been a Russian city!
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And Warsaw was, - Stalin calmly objected ...
(talking about how western Ukraine and western Belarus were occupied by the Poles when they broke away during the Russian Revolution. They're basically negotiating to restore stolen lands from the former second Polish "republic" to their respective socialist republics, while word-playing with, or as I call it spitting in the face of, the bulldog imperialist who views all of the British empire as sovereign territory of the English that he shouldn't be a drunken hypocrite when he knows that Poland was a former subject of the Tsarist crown as well.)
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These are wonderful little anecdotes. Thanks for sharing comrade! :stalin-heart:
Boy is it fun and a pain to translate and learn all the weird mannerisms and in-jokes there are in Russian. I get why everyone complains about English allegories and shit being hard to understand now
