I have been a straight guy for as long as I can remember. Ive had multiple relationships, plenty of enjoyable sexual encounters, and obviously seen women as a point of attraction since i was very young.
However, my long term relationship has suffered because I started having these panic attacks about that. I start obsessing over the idea that I may not be straight, as a result of some erectile dysfunction, which of course only makes that panic worse.
Lately, almost exactly after I turned 30, its like that part of my brain just shut off. I can, most of the time, become erect and do the deed (so to speak) but its like a part of my brain is missing. The part that wants it, its so quiet compared to before. I have obsessive doubts about what im feeling, all the time. I dont enjoy anything. I cant masturbate, because when I do find a fleeting grasp of arousal it is met with a wave of depression and anxiety that shuts it down.
Im going to my first therapy session today, but im in a lot of pain and just wanted a place to put it.
Edit: weed was a major trigger and ive since given it up
Edit: would also just like to thank everyone for responding, thank you to the community.
I can't relate to your inexperience insofar as what you're describing is centered on your sexuality, but what you are describing sounds in some ways similar to what I have experienced due to significant physical trauma. The loss of your ability to experience meaningful pleasure ("anhedonia") and the high level of self-consciousness your describing (which is a kind of alienation from your own self) are hallmarks of depression and trauma.
I encourage you to seek out therapy, and to be patient with yourself. Don't try to masturbate your way out of this, because if that fails you're digging a deeper hole for yourself. You already know this - you try something, it fails, you panic, the psychological pain is worsened, you sit around waiting to feel good enough to try something else, repeat.
I'm not a doctor, but through my therapy, I've been learning that the first step towards moving forward comes from better understanding yourself. In what ways are you alienated from yourself? You're experiencing a psychological event, and that changes your behavior - can you think of habits or hobbies that you used to have that you're no longer participating in? Could resuming some of those activities make you feel more like yourself, help you understand what you're feeling?
My understanding of your situation is obviously limited, but I hope I'm communicating at least something about what I have learned through my own recovery and that it is useful to you. Be well :meow-hug:
Ive gone through many changes in the last year, from positive (my first real long term adult relationship) to negative (covid demolished my social life and I no longer have friends).