I have been a straight guy for as long as I can remember. Ive had multiple relationships, plenty of enjoyable sexual encounters, and obviously seen women as a point of attraction since i was very young.
However, my long term relationship has suffered because I started having these panic attacks about that. I start obsessing over the idea that I may not be straight, as a result of some erectile dysfunction, which of course only makes that panic worse.
Lately, almost exactly after I turned 30, its like that part of my brain just shut off. I can, most of the time, become erect and do the deed (so to speak) but its like a part of my brain is missing. The part that wants it, its so quiet compared to before. I have obsessive doubts about what im feeling, all the time. I dont enjoy anything. I cant masturbate, because when I do find a fleeting grasp of arousal it is met with a wave of depression and anxiety that shuts it down.
Im going to my first therapy session today, but im in a lot of pain and just wanted a place to put it.
Edit: weed was a major trigger and ive since given it up
Edit: would also just like to thank everyone for responding, thank you to the community.
It feels like a lot of depression and anxiety. Ive been diagnosed with GAD when I was very, very young.
Have you started any new meds? Has your mood gotten worse than before? Either of those can kill your sex drive.
Hang in there, being able to examine ourselves is how we grow and you're taking steps forward by seeking help to work through this panic.👍
Welcome, I know it can be scary, but you'll get through it.👍
Nope! Zero fantasies about men, but theres a deep history of some traumatic bullying. When I was a kid I was small, effeminate, etc, all things that made you a big target. Thats part of whats bugging me, its like Ive just imported those voices in my head to the future.
Yeah, Ive had those thoughts. Even when theres a mild sense of "that guy is attractive" the thought of doing anything just doesnt really kick anything off for me. Feels awkward really, too much penis involved for me. And yet, my brain is swirling trying to figure out where the horny went and its grasping at anything. Maybe Ive developed asexuality?
I was just reading yesterday that intrusive doubts about one's own sexual orientation is a somewhat common form of OCD. Obviously I'm not a doctor either, but it may be worth looking up SO-OCD and seeing if it describes what you're feeling
Ive read about SO-OCD and it does sound familiar to what Im going through
Don't be embarrassed or afraid by the need for "self-care" either. When I went on meds, I had performance problems and it made me self-conscious, which made it worse. I literally "practiced" on my own by masturbating and it got better. At first, I struggled, even on my own. But having my partner be understanding made the difference. Once I knew that it was ok for me to go into the bathroom and take care of myself, even if it took a LONG time or I had to try over a few separate sessions, it took a lot of the pressure off and helped me become more confortable. Just taking my time and focusing on my own enjoyment and needs. (Though there was still some internal pressure, like "please, ffs, I just want to finish already!"). But by "practicing" on my own, I was able to get my libido back, start finishing consistently and in less time on my own, and even sometimes do it more than once in a single day if I'm feeling especially horny. Once I was doing ok on my own, I started trying to finish with my partner again, and that took about 6 or 7 sessions--spread out over a couple months--before I actually succeeded (with more "practice" in between). BUT all in all, looking back, it really only took about 6 months for me to get from dysfunctional to "normal" again. 6 months is one of those time frames that seems daunting when you look ahead at it, but short when you look back at it.
Thats exactly how 6 months feels, haha. Did you take medications, and if I can ask, how was your experience with the anxiety/depression over all?
I took/am taking effexor for my anxiety and it caused the sexual dysfunction. I didn't take any medication for the sexual dysfunction side effect. experiences definitely vary, but I think the first 2 weeks on medicine were really hard overall, but after that, I stabilized, and now I love my medication. I wish I'd done it years ago. main side effects for me are dry mouth, very vivid and sweaty dreams, and the sexual dysfunction. But my anxiety is so much better and it's totally worth it. The first 2 weeks I felt Weird™ and lightheaded and stuff, but that went away.
Hopefully I'm answering the question?
seems like you are, yes. Ive never been on medication but Im going to bring it up with the therapist today.
As someone who has suffered through intense depression and anxiety and has had it seriously effect their sex life, that's what it sounds like to me. Especially regarding the personified negative voice you described in a comment. Meds are great and I wouldn't try to steer anyone away from them, but often the sources of depression/anxiety/negative mental health in general is something in your environment causing you an undue amount of stress. I'd start by sitting down and thinking through the changes that have happened in your life recently and trying to pinpoint what's caused this sudden mood shift. Serous self-loathing, especially when it comes to sex, is something I've always struggled with when going through a depressive episode. Most people's knee jerk reaction is to confront that self-loathing directly by going hard in the opposite direction on the things that it's attacking you for. So for me when my sex drive was being negatively effected by my depression and that negative voice in the back of my head was attacking me for it and attacking my masculinity over it I responded by trying to be as macho as possible and fucking (and drinking) eight ways to Sunday. This was not a healthy coping mechanism. What did end up helping me was singling out the stressors in my life and either removing them or finding new and healthy ways to deal with them. Once I dealt with those, everything downstream of them from my mental health to my sexual health improved naturally. Trying to brute force my way into 'being normal' without doing the introspection necessary to actually heal did far, far more damage to my mental health than anything else and started me on a downward spiral into deeper depression
I absolutely relate to this, and Im just not sure how. I don't know how to delve in and introspect, partially because the stuff is all fairly obvious, it feels like? Ive got no friends, sans a girlfriend I adore, in a pandemic that gets worse everyday. I dont take part in my hobbies to nearly the degree I used to, and I ended my late 20's in complete isolation.
Other than that, looking inward during the panic and outside the panic feel very different. During an attack, I look inward and the personified negative voice is just telling me that Im gay, or asexual, or broken, but outside of an attack that all feels kind of silly? Ive been watching straight porn (could also be an issue tbh) since I was 14 and have enjoyed it immensely. Ive gotten uncomfortable boners making out with girls in bars. Its all so difficult.
First and foremost I would tell you to absolutely not listen to those voices. That's your self-doubt/self-loathing trying to find ways to dig into your psyche and undermine you. They'll attack you from any avenue possible. Right now you're feeling insecure about your sex drive so they're using that, but for me they've covered everything from me feeling like I'm wasting my life to me feeling like a failure because I don't do laundry often enough. One of my happiest breakthrough moments was going through a depressive episode and realizing that those voices in the back of my head didn't have any ammunition to attack me with because I had been making a conscious effort to address the things in my life that had been making me unhappy. It took years of therapy and effort but fuck was it worth it
As far as the stressors in your life feeling obvious I think that's a very fair place to be. Most people are completely aware of the things in their life that suck and cause them stress on a day to day basis. That said I still think there's a lot of benefit in intentionally thinking through the stressors in your life to understand exactly how they're negatively impacting you so you can understand exactly how you can go about addressing them and either removing them from your life or mitigating their impact. I mean we're all communists here. We know capitalism is barbaric and eating away at us, but we obsessively study it to understand exactly how we can go about attacking it to end that negative process. We need theory to inform our praxis and in a similar way we need to understand the mechanisms that dictate our mental health so we can go about correcting them. And in the process of investigating an obvious problem I often found deeper issues I had repressed and buried that, on the surface level, were things I hadn't thought about in years but on the deeper, subconscious level I realized were things that had been gnawing on the back of my mind ever since they happened. So maybe there's some through line to your feelings of insecurity about your sexuality and there's something there to explore or maybe it's just a particularly gross negative thought that's weaponizing toxic masculinity against you. In either case the best thing I could suggest would be to sit down and think through where those thoughts come from, past experiences that have informed them (positively and negatively), and what you want for yourself in the future. Like I said earlier, just jumping in and trying to address these things without the understanding led me to leaning on ideological narratives of toxic masculinity that I had internalized without ever examining and in doing so only pushed myself further into depression.
Also panic attacks are called attacks for a reason. In the moment your main thought should be towards 'surviving' it, to make liberal use of figurative language. Successful strategies I've used in the past have revolved around grounding myself to reality to stop the anxiety spirals, so doing things like counting objects in the room or playing the "what's something you can see, something you can smell, something you can touch, etc" game that helps keep you in the now and present.
it was trigger for the panic and thats why I gave it up, I could smoke but Id have a huge panic attack. Previously to that weed was my aphrodisiac, I was always using it and getting in the mood.
I can't relate to your inexperience insofar as what you're describing is centered on your sexuality, but what you are describing sounds in some ways similar to what I have experienced due to significant physical trauma. The loss of your ability to experience meaningful pleasure ("anhedonia") and the high level of self-consciousness your describing (which is a kind of alienation from your own self) are hallmarks of depression and trauma.
I encourage you to seek out therapy, and to be patient with yourself. Don't try to masturbate your way out of this, because if that fails you're digging a deeper hole for yourself. You already know this - you try something, it fails, you panic, the psychological pain is worsened, you sit around waiting to feel good enough to try something else, repeat.
I'm not a doctor, but through my therapy, I've been learning that the first step towards moving forward comes from better understanding yourself. In what ways are you alienated from yourself? You're experiencing a psychological event, and that changes your behavior - can you think of habits or hobbies that you used to have that you're no longer participating in? Could resuming some of those activities make you feel more like yourself, help you understand what you're feeling?
My understanding of your situation is obviously limited, but I hope I'm communicating at least something about what I have learned through my own recovery and that it is useful to you. Be well :meow-hug:
Ive gone through many changes in the last year, from positive (my first real long term adult relationship) to negative (covid demolished my social life and I no longer have friends).
Ever think that maybe you're asexual?
What you're describing is pretty much what I went through and it took me a while to realize I never actually enjoyed sex and just engaged in it for my partner's enjoyment.
Like, I can look at people, regardless of gender, and think they're attractive, but I feel zero sexual arousal towards them. Started in my early 20s and eventually I accepted it in my 30s.
Im not sure, because Ive certainly been horny before. I def got horny in my 20s, but yes, asexuality has occurred to me.
Asexuality is a spectrum so you could still feel feelings of horniness but have no inclination to act upon them. For example, I still get the urge to masturbate but I don't really attach any kind of sexual urges towards it, if that makes sense.
Idk, you don't have to jump to conclusions just yet. Just throwing that out there as a possibility. It's what I went with because after getting tested and having all my signs come back normal (blood, testosterone, etc), and then thinking back to how I've never really enjoyed sexual intimacy or sex at all it kind of made sense for me.
I'd you're curious, I'd look for more information on asexuality to see other people's experiences with it.
Oh wow, I forgot all about this comment!
I get regular blood tests/check ups a few times a year since I sometimes cycle on/off steroids or just for general well being. Just making sure everything looks good and no abnormalities.
Dr said they were low, but didnt seem concerningly low. Personally I feel they could be concerningly low.
But then after im taking testosterone, then what, I have to do that for 3 decades? That worries me.
Why, if your body needs it? Not saying it does by the way. Maybe you can try other stuff first, but it’s at least worth getting a second opinion. The fact that this stuff started when you turned 30 is weird, in my view.
For what it’s worth I thought I had low T for many years. Maybe I do. I’ve been tested multiple times and always came in at the low range of normal (400-600) and never got treated for it.
I recently got put on Wellbutrin for depression issues and it’s helped a lot in the libido department. Brains are weird.
